i am departing this site. i once departed instagram because i was tired of scrolling. i once departed snapchat because i don’t want to view a story to find out things about people’s lives. i want to be important enough for people to reach out directly. i am tired of shouting into the abyss and as a response receiving primarily deafening silence. i am grateful to those who did respond, especially out loud and in person. invariably i know you personally, so i hope to be better friends.

so what next? i will start journaling again. i will start speaking to people more deeply. i will start bearing more of myself to people. i will start being more vulnerable. i will teach myself that i am beautiful and a worthwhile person to get to know. but i will no longer be publishing it here for casual reading. there are thoughts i have that make me feel shame, agony, and disgust. thoughts i have that by long habit have been repressed without me ever noticing, filed away somewhere where they wear me down over time, where i cannot address them. and yet deep down i am so keenly aware of these thoughts and feelings that once i feel compelled to describe and discuss them, i am perfectly articulate. for so long i have failed to address so much. so many things that hurt others and hurt me for my neglect. life presents an overwhelming challenge to me, with every little detail i must attend to, every mistake i must not make, every expectation i must meet. i cannot do that to myself and expect to feel joy, expect to even have energy and love to give to myself directly and unconditionally. such shame i cannot bear. i must become someone i am proud of.

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as an aside, some of you guys are sooooo privileged that it makes me gag. please check yourself. i throw stones from a glass house but at least i know what the house looks like and what it signifies.