7/6/2025

Gonna be seriously looking for new job now. Know I've been lazy about it in the past, but everyone I work with seems to be on the same page about leaving. And the main reason I stay is my coworkers.

Also normalize discussing wages, wack that we dont all do that. How else are you supposed to know if youre getting screwed over?

I am consistently default happy and feeling creative, so I think I can comfortably say wellbutrin is working. Also life is just good at the moment. Need execution on task though, also time. I am seeing friends way too often, I will be taking steps back from socializing.

i need to stop buying shit off the internet, someone take my phone away.

Meanwhile, peep the sick new belt, dress, and bandannas ill be wearing...

7/3/2025

Spilled my entire smoothy on the floor, didn't know the blender had that setting.

@punkreflex makes great poetry, tap into that.

7/2/2025

Dread.

Also I'm back from camping, got camped up, fun-style.

My last therapy appointment is on 9th. I got really sad today knowing that this was the last time I was ever gonna tell Christine details about my life. I have gone to her for over 7 years, its hard to lose a person who knows you like that.

Creative endeavors, genuine motivation for such.

7/1/2025

Gonna go camping with bro later today, very exciting. I love camping dearly.

I am also hosting my own camping trip, and i might gently hound people to rsvp since only 3 have expressed interest in wanting to camp, and i rented way more spots than that lol.

Also Miata is working so far, loving that a lot. May do my own solo camping trip if some other plans don't pull through.

6/28/2025

Now im watching top 10 natural disasters caught on dashcam, quiz me later

—

Reddit before bed has me looking up Radon hotspots

6/27/2025

###CAR UPDATE:

Miata may,,,,, be working again. Don’t hold your breath. Grandpa Dave picked me up from work today (kind), and helped replace this same part again (very easy).

Let it sit in idle for about 10 min, revved the engine a couple of times, and took it on a 7 minute drive. No shut offs! So next step is to take it for a longer drive and see what’s up. It’s still making various concerning sounds, I forget how loud it can be sometimes lol. Still felt so great to be behind the wheel of my own car though. It is so small!

6/24/2025

Slow day, new fantasy version of myself just dropped in my mind dome.

6/23/2025

My hot take post was worded in a way that cis folks would hopefully understand what I am saying lol. Ofc, i feel like that discussion is a lot different with a trans crowd. A walk through gender discourse within its bounds until you get to a point where the bounds are fake and always were.

Talks with my grandpa dave are always fun/funny/telling. Seeing the way he acts, and the stories he tells, play into how I am so heavy. He's telling me about riding his skateboard through the city for 4 hours when he was 11, because the bus was too expensive. Or when he had to wise-up at 12 and learn how to drive his dads car home, as his dad got way too drunk playing pool. Or how his evil ex wife has "grown up" as she is now in her 50's. His jobs as a small appliance repair man, and a painter, and his brief stint in the marines. Meanwhile we are driving around listening to some edm mix he made while he chain smokes cigarettes. I am happy he is sober and I can have a relationship with him.

His advice for my car is that i should replace the camshaft sensor again. These things are easily faulty, and the one I got was 15 dollars on amazon, meanwhile its 93 dollars at auto zone. He has a website he uses to buy parts that he's gonna look at. Hopefully this fixes it, he tested the wiring, everythings good there. Could possibly be the crankshaft or the timing belt, in which I'll just take it to a shop as I dont wanna do all-that.

----

I love being okay in my still moments, medication must be working or the trip i had on fathers day.

I spent the whole weekend cleaning everything. Every floor swept/mopped, couch cushions washed, dusting, etc. It took up all of my time, so sorry to the people I ignored this weekend, I was having a great time honestly. This home is so much more comforting now. (Also great to live with someone who doesn't get angry when I clean! Crazy concept.)

Grandpa Dave coming over to help look over my car. I hope I can figure out what's wrong.

Poetry is so cool

6/14/2025

That last post was a lie because my car still does not work. Also have no debit card nor valid ID.

I was telling my coworker this, and he said “bro, everytime you update me, another bad thing is happening to you.” That felt crazy hahaha. That makes me feel like I complain too much honestly, I’m trying to work on that.

So many vivid dreams. Some are bad, mostly weird, maybe I’ll finally dream post.

I am moving constantly, like I am not still very often. When I sit and do nothing it feels so wrong, I feel sad. I cannot allow myself to rest it seems.

Also this may be a lot, idk. :

I am holding a lot in. There have been a series of events that are making me face things I have buried very deep. It puts me out of my body, I’m looking into my eyes like a tv. There is a tension inside that I couldn’t notice until recently. It’s more so panic, a blaring alarm in my head that’s been there for over 5 years, and I’ve tuned it out over time, but now I can hear it again. This is all I’ll type about this.

I want McDonald’s.

6/9/2025

Driving something special to pinball tonight <3

6/8/2025

Ohhhh right I have a mental illness hahahahaha.

Scape my face across the concrete kind of feeling. Little pebbles imbedded in my skin watch what I do now. They report back to the ground bellow where I step that its time to embrace my feet. It tenses up in anticipation for the pain.

I want to take that impact. Harden up, tense, and embrace it.

Soft ground, it's no longer on watch duty. I can sink in, it no longer knows when to stop.

The ground and the rocks do not speak to me, I only feel their weight. I am a pocket amongst.

"Does it feel like you're dying?" I say aloud to myself. Decent underneath till I am now the one reaching up, catching the feet of those who are walking above.

"I could make money doing this" says a fucking dumbass. No, I only want to give it a break. It's fair this way. It has endured me, i deserve the rough callused shockwaves.

Splitting pain in my abdomen, is this the give? Am i cracking underneath it all?

The rocks and dirt will swell with love and drips of water spill upon me, pain growing so much stronger. I look down to my surprise, I am splitting open.

There is a beautiful green mass of stems and leaves shooting out. And I'm sobbing and sobbing and sobbing, and the rocks are sobbing and the dirt is sobbing, and the ground is sobbing, no more embrace, no feeling at all. Mutual care grows underneath.

Feet still walk above.

5/28/2025

I cleaned and I am better now. Also there is an NA, NC, and ND Miata in my neighborhood and my NB completes it. I love this.

I am in love with my bread maker, I’m gonna go out and buy a ring to propose.

—-

I am depressed-ish. Better than normal depressive episodes, but still depressive. It’s centered around my room, my room is a mess. Room mess=head mess. This space isn’t restful.

I am perpetually tired, it all feels like a lot.

Also I have a mental illness reminder hahaha.

Also binging couple to throuple rn, very entertaining.

5/20/2025

I am here flounder crew, hope to run into some of ya

Anyone in stl open to a meet up at cbgb tonight ? :3 Possibly after 8pm

—-

I am being lazy and happy, which carries more guilt than lazy and sad. I know I should be doing stuff, but I am lazyyyy.

(I'm realizing upon further thought that I am feeling lazy because I made a dr apt via phone call today, and it took everything out of me. I hung up the first time because I couldn't answer her questions, and then had to call back and pretend I didn't do that.)

Cut my hair, not crazy amount just refresh on bangs and layers. Also braids!!!! @pupdog01 and @petethecat both braided my hair yesterday, and I love it. Sparked me to keep doing that. (Also jewelry in hair.)

I love eating so much I LOVE FOOD!!

Also I am feeling restless I wanna go out since today is technically my "saturday" work schedule-wise.

5/18/2025

I love taking the bus actually. The 95 has betrayed my trust tho, and that’s the main bus I have to take to therapy tomorrow. I think I’m just gonna ask the driver if this is real before I get on.

5/17/2025

:(

---

Flounder is better on computer oops. Also connection want yet again. I am sad when I am lonely. People talk about needing "alone time" and personal days, and I agree that in order to get certain tasks done, I do need to be alone. But I do get my energy from other people. It is hard to have still moments. It's like I'm coming down from a serotonin high.

----

Bus is hard. Can’t figure out if I should trust the times quite yet.

Also yesterday, the bus app said that the 95 was coming to a place it actually wasn’t, and had to walk 25 min to a different stop only to miss that bus, causing a 45 minute trip to be an 1 hour 45 min trip. That was frustrating. The guy (8 bus driver) who told me the 95 wasn’t coming here, was super nice tho, and didn’t let me pay the bus fair. This also may be due to the tornado tho.

More soon…

5/15/2025

I like how humans make a sound when something is yummy. Like my mouth is full, but I still need to verbally affirm how good this taste.

5/14/2025

Also sorry I’m not good at flounder rn

5/13/2025

Running towards my life kinda feeling <3

5/9/2025

Very very lucky for my family. I am reminded nearly daily how lucky I am to have them.

Also doing so much self care crap. Putting oil and whatnot in my hair. Soaking my nails in some hardening growth oil salon style.

When you do extra stuff to your body it makes you feel better about yourself. This is more so mental care than it is physical care. I’m taking extra time to wash myself, and apply sunscreen, and do my hair. I love my body !!!

I feel so buff due to working physical labor, walking all over, etc.

5/8/2025

Bad at answering texts again, hmmm. I have been wanting to do pen to paper journaling again recently. I have a lot I want to write about/process. I start to write it here then end up deleting it bc it feels too intimate. I feel silly- that’s what paper is for !

5/7/2025

AHHHFHFHFJFBFJFJFBBF. I am. In thought. I am so productive. I am making little pieces of art today,,,, I’ll talk about the reasons a different time (yearn.)

Therapy was so easy because everything is great rn. I am trying to remember what I am and what I like to do recently.

I love to see people in their element and comfortable. The most true version,,,

5/5/2025

Being held would be so freaking awesome. If I am not held to some degree soon, I will k*** someone and wrap their body around me. Hahaha jk guys ! That would be freaking nuts.

Anyway…

Pinball tonight, ready for that I think. I’m gonna be sleepy. Work was intense, as my boss was making Every Pastry Ever today.

Found a “hyper pop” song that I love so so so much. Hyper pop is a silly concept to me, blah blah blah something about pop, something about being normal.

Everything is actually okay in my life right now. For like the last (really long) I’ve felt like there’s been 2+ things going wrong at all times. I took a walk yesterday, and realized stl is actually perfect. And so is my life right now. A concept a wrote about was all my friends being in a walkable loop, and I have that ! Stl is small-big city, it’s amazing. :)

5/3/2025

Update: I’m on the bus… this is working

Trying to take the bus to work… I think I’m screwing up though. Idk what I’m doing, I’m just hoping it works. I hope I don’t have to download an app for this…

5/2/2025

My car is dying, she’s no longer drivable at the moment. Thought about walking to work (1.5 hours), but that would probably be not fun after work. I need help navigating bus, I want to do it, but I need 1 person to show me how.

I had another thing to write, I forgot.

I miss my car working, but I love walk.

5/1/2025

Running out of things to wear this summer. Trying to find something that is both functional and pleasant and not showing off my entire head to toe body is impossible. I love skirts tho, will definitely be pulling all of those out.

Looking up: how to not freak out 24/7 due to heat.

Also my car keeps shutting off due to overheating, she hates this weather too.

4/30/2025

So apathetic towards most of everything. It’s because nothing is organized, I’m realizing that affects my mood heavily. Also I’m moving nonstop it feels like.

My favorite plant hates me rn. She’s looking at me like >:(. I’m sorry I’ve moved you so much girl.

I have decided I am being myself always, and being myself looks like being so swag.

I am looking forward to tomorrow (hehehehehe), god shoot me./positive

(This is so secret: Love love love love being touched on a friendship intimacy level. Sitting next to the homies and our legs are touching and we’re touching/holding/grabbing as friends. I do not trust easily, but god do I miss being physically close with friends. I am very slowly trying to trust my friends. Touch is apart of that. It makes me so happy. Love and peace to those who allow me to slowly open my heart without rush or praise, yall are so cool and real.)

4/29/2025

I am ready for everything to be out of boxes and put away.

Yes, I’m wearing the same outfit as yesterday. I don’t know where anything else is.

Also I am so so so buff. Anyone want me to carry them? I prolly could for 4 seconds.

Also I am an asshole?

Also am I ever really me ever?

Also I’m smoking (weed) every night, it wasn’t fun last night so I’m stopping that habit now. I was too nervous (via weed) at the open mic, and I got scared and left. When have I ever done that.

4/whatdayisit/2025

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am the most exhausted person Ever.

4/25/2025

Flounder posting nearly everyday, woah.

I talked to my neighbors (neighbors at old place) and it was so silly. They are all 40+, but so is all of my parents friends, so it wasn't too different. I found out that they do in fact think that our landlord is trying to sell this place for way too much. I thought that they thought I was unreasonable for thinking/expressing that. I also got to explain the situation in more detail, which was nice.

Naturally, the neighbor who invited me over (Matt) said he was curious about me, but said his questions came from a place of ignorance. I forget that my gender performance makes cis people uncomfortable at times. He asked what I was born as, and said that it had less to do with what I was physically, and more so came from a political standpoint. (What?) As in, how do I navigate legal documents and what not. Needless to say, I avoided answering that question. I just talked about the current political climate, how its scary, and how I don't plan on fleeing since missouri is my home. Also he smoked too much of my weed that I got special for my birthday.

I am so lucky to be around trans people everyday.

It is also nice to know that I look very gender-neutral, which is what I'm aiming for. But its also sad to know that I cannot girl-mode successfully without serious effort.

Bici prom is tonight. I wanna go, but I know I will be so so so so so tired. And I HAVE to be locked in tomorrow. Grrrrrrr, I wish I could do it all.

4/24/2025

More packing. I think I'm bad at this, but I also got a lot done yesterday. Friend came and helped me move things. I'm gonna possibly request another person tonight (mainly for car access), but I'm running out of people I feel comfortable requesting labor from lol.

In the awkward stage of moving as well where half of my stuff is here, and half of it is at the new place. My bed is here, so I am here.

4/23/2025

Sometimes when someone I like (or get anxious about) texts me, I open the message and my heart goes crazy. Then I turn off my phone to alleviate the feeling, and inevitably leave them on read by accident. Anyways…

—-

Andromeda by the Gorillaz is such a good song

—-

Need to lock in today. I am having to pack as much as I can today and tomorrow. I had bro come over to help (stand there and watch). We got stoned, packed two boxes, said we packed three boxes, then took a walk and smoked the rest of the joint I had. Needless to say, not starting out strong. I hope today I can make up for it, might recruit more help. (As in, someone with a bigger car than my tiny 2-seater.)

4/22/2025

The rumors are true, me and @petethecat are moving. I am excited to leave, but I too have done little packing. I need someone to come over and motivate me, someones presence alone is normally enough to get me to do chores.

Birthday was so cool yesterday. I am happy to have so many wonderful humans in my life.

I took some mushrooms and went on a walk right before my party, and it was so freaking nice. It was just the right amount for me to be just happy, nothing bad could happen.

4/21/2025

Guys I’m gonna be late oops, sorry.

——

Birthday today, now also the day the pope died, so I think that means I absorb his soul.

Didn't have much planned today honestly ! I will shower once my roommate is done, and then maybe go to the park. I have no intention to bring food to pinball tonight (sorry oops), but I may buy myself tiny chef as a treat.

Really reflected on my birthday last year, and the years prior. Jacob is the only thing consistent throughout all of celebrations. Smoked some weed next to a stream last year, gonna try to recreate something esq of that. Really hope to go camping sometime soon.

A question I ask everyone on their birthday is: What is the biggest thing you learned in the last year?

So now I will answer that question for myself:

I believe the biggest thing I learned was why it is important I keep going. And there is no words I can speak on why that is, it's more so a feeling. I've done a lot of work on what my depression looks like and how to manage it. There was a lot of pain felt earlier this year that few know about. It was so hard to manage on my last birthday, I was pretending for a lot of people. And even though I still feel that pain at times, I am able to recognize and reflect on it in ways I haven't before. I also recognize how important I am, and how I need to hold that true before anyone else can.

That's all I'll write about here, ask for more details in person if ya wish.

4/20/2025

Ultra depressive room, I’m coming out of depressive episode slowly but surely. I need to clean, but I’m unsure of how to accomplish that right now.

I’m wishing I could go into the woods for my birthday, (Eat twigs, drink beer, Fight a bear, etc.) and come out a Man.

——

(Feels like 4/19 still…)

Happy weed Easter.

I was everywhere today(yesterday). Up and down and up and down. Wrote about a concept, and it played out in real time, that was silly.

4/18/2025

I cannot think.

---

Whiplash from the amount of emotional growth and distress in the last week alone.

4/16/2025

Thankful for the cemetery next to my house. Happy that I can have night walks there. Have yet to run into any grave robbers. Childhood media made me think this would be more of an issue.

My morals around self, self love, and self care are all coming to the forefront. I'm having a lot of growth I think. Re-defining selfishness for myself. What I think may be rude, is actually me just advocating for myself.

4/15/2025

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m unsure of it all right now.

—-

So many things on the brain rn. My default is good though ! Too many things to do, a lot of driving. Also I think my hair kinda looks good greasy, is that bad? Like bed-rotted girlfriend style.

Last night I was so mean for no reason, I think I was just in a mood. (Sorry pinball crew.) Thomas asked me what my shirt said, and I went “It says FUCK OFF!” (It didn’t say that, it said passion pit) Sorry Thomas. I was in fact joking, but I also needed to chill out. Please forgive my rudeness.

4/14/2025

@petethecat made that flyer for me ! <3

---

Refreshing the ffa page to see what gets posted next. So silly already

——

Waking up so annoyed. I am so people pleaser. I'm tired too, I think I'm really tired.

Also annoyed about moving, and money. Everything Ever was right when it said things are more expensive ! It makes me sad. Idk, maybe I'm just sad rn.

4/13/2025

Staying in more. (More like doing the "normal" amount of going out.) As in, I said no to going out on a saturday night. I feel as if I don't know my own limits sometimes, so I just mirror the habits of others, or wait till someone tells me what we're doing. Trying to do more alone time. This builds character I think.

I had a very anxious moment at a social gathering, and I felt myself freaking out and literally trying to hide. It was humbling lol. Cue that one kendrick song. But its these moments that make me take a step back and realize that some people feel that 24/7. In turn, I never know how much of an arm to extend to folks I see wall-flowering. I feel very aware of people standing alone, or not talking at social events. I want everyone to be included, and having a good time. But this also feel patronizing. Idk, its on my mind.

Blah blah blah.

4/12/2025

Where’s the looking up emoji? Follow up, where’s the looking up and praying emoji?

Every time someone ask me to hangout, I tell them to come to pinball. Slamming all my social interaction into one night, good idea or no?

Also liking girls is like waking up from sleep-walking, in front of the fridge, covered in the chocolate cake you made for your friends birthday tomorrow.

God, I wanna go out but I’m so sleepyyyy. I’m wearing such a cute outfit, I can’t let it be waisted at home. The flaws of working weekends. Any other service industry flounders out there?

4/10/2025

Dude, there’s older lesbians sitting very close to me, I’m freaking the fuck out. They’re so cool. What do I even say? “Hey ladies, ya mind kicking my skull in later? What’s your email?”

—-

Just ate The Worst Burrito Ever. It consisted of everything that was about to expire. Never doing that again.

—

Gotta get a movin and a groovin today. Woke up like I'm clocking in for work, but instead I'm getting chores done baby!!!

Saw a photo of myself last night that looked so transgender it made me lol. Love that I was like "I'm so stealth rn." Bro, you look like a top 10 strangest humans video. Number 8: boy-girl.

4/9/2025

Saw a video of two cats playing, and it looked so fun. Anyone wanna do that sometime?

---

Was off of flounder then did over an hour of reading flounder tonight lol. Hey.

Changed my brake pads with my sister today. When we went for our test drive, I was like "what's the sound?" The sound was my tire coming off because she forgot to screw the lug nuts back on to one of my wheels. *Flat line mouth normal-style ticked off emoji* Its so chill though, she's so good at car.

We got to talk more about our father and internet restrictions and how weird that was. She acknowledged how I had it worse, because she was always viewed as more "techy" and therefore got more leeway. Didn't know I needed to hear that. I get embarrassed by how tech-illiterate I am sometimes, but it was validating to hear it from someone put through the same situation. She did get it worse at times though. She didn't listen to music outside of what my dad played on the radio, and youtube channel intros/outros. She was around 15-16 when she started listening to music that she found on her own. She just honestly thought it wasn't allowed. I would download music, but I would have to get it approved first. (My dad listening to it out loud with me.) I would listen to music on youtube though, and just hope my dad wouldn't make something out of it.

^I might do a long-format post about this, its always been hard to process.

4/7/2025

Made a joke about how huge pinball club is getting, and citing the kamala harris "Do not come" meme. Then they shut our venue down ! (Just for tonight.) So were going to up-down instead.

Really needing everything to slow down and shut off so I can sit with myself and just think. "Thats not how the world works though !" shouted everything.

I am ok though, I'm so productive in all the right ways recently. Also realistic about my doing power. Also feeling flirty again due to my hierarchy of needs being met. Ahhhhh. God I feel pathetic sometimes lol

4/2/2025

My therapist saying for the first time ever the possibility of me seeing a different therapist (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Its chill tho, we're still meeting, I was just trying to figure out her schedule as I'm searching for jobs.

Speaking of which, stl flounders send jobs my way once again plz.

4/1/2025

I didn’t do anything silly today, fuck !

Anyway,

One of my first concerns with going on new meds was how it would affect my dreams. In the past, I would get these very vivid dreams that would really get to me. Just think nightmares and reality-questioning that got unbearable. I dream every night, and these kind of dreams happen outside of psych meds, just more frequent when I’m on them.

So, I’m getting some more vivid dreams, but in them I’m just having pretty good sex (mostly) and honestly…. I’m not complaining yet (cool guy with sunglasses emoji)

3/30/2025

So so so so much frustration with the house. So annoying as well, both in the situation and talking about it. The new girl at work asked me how it was going with the house, I don't even remember talking about it with her! It felt like a flash bang went off.

In other news, I am growing out my mustache. I will most likely cave in the coming days and shave it. It's never looked good, but I wanna live in a reality where it could be.

Water is a magic potion that heals most ailments. And it is abundant, unlike most magic potions.

3/29/2025

Feeling doomed at the moment, but it also could be that I only got 6 hours of sleep last night and then did a bunch of physical labor for 7 1/2 hours.

3/28/2025

Tell me why I watched all three “It” movies. Worst way to spend my time. I think this is a cry for help.

3/27/2025

I have actually done nothing today. I ordered a light for my car, but that was on my phone and took 5 minutes, so it feels like nothing. (I’m in the i did nothing spiral again) Gonna go for a walk.

I’ve been boymoding in private for many months now. I keep fantasizing about cutting my hair and doing default boymode. Idk what’s stopping me, I just also think I make a pretty “woman”

I also feel lonely, but what’s new. I wanna be around someone I don’t have to be on for rn.

Feeling also some sort of impending doom with my birthday coming up. Last year I had a house party, which was fun. But this year I don’t feel as if I can do the same for some reason.

^Just found out my birthday is on a Monday, so maybe I do something at pinball lol

3/26/2025

Watched the og "It" movie today. Spoilers: I liked the part where they just kicked the monster till it died. Why didn't they ever lead with that? Also why is everyone dating Beverly? Who was ever her love interest? I think she had a mouth kiss with the whole cast, including pennywise..... I made that last part up.

I have fallen into the "I have done nothing today!" spiral once again, even though I have in fact, done things.

Just deleted the paragraph I wrote about the house. Just know it's exhausting, and not my choice to be leaving.

3/25/2025

Guys I wanna flounder rn, but there’s a cat on my lap, and I don’t like flounder iPhone. This, and I’ve never known how to use punctuation properly ever. Like did that first sentence need 3 commas? I really don’t know [broken head emoji]

3/24/2025

Oops housing crap: Okay basically the owner of the place I'm staying at is a piece of shit, and he was extra shitty today. I got so angry that I screamed the loudest I have in awhile at work, and freaked out my coworker. Me and my roommate thankfully got to yell at each other (in a platonic way, we were both pissed). But I got continually more and more angry, to the point of really needing to cry. T doesn't let you cry tho, unless you're about to end it or someone died. So now I'm sad and so so so tired, but its pinball monday and I'll be damned if I don't pin some balls tonight [smug cat emoji]

^Gonna try not to talk about this at pinball tonight, otherwise I will probably yell again. Pinball can be a lot at times, this plus I'm naturally "on" for people. Its exhausting (the on part). I'm trying to tell myself I can be silent and still and sad/mad in social settings

Listening to "Setting Sun" by You'll Never Get To Heaven is keeping me sane atm. Such a calm song. Can't be pissed listening to it.

3/23/2025

Saw the band Kids perform the song "Twos" finally for a second time ! (Lol) Liked hearing it a lot the first time, and its not released online, so it felt extra special hearing it tonight. Makes ya think about a time where all music was live music, and how good it must've felt to hear your favorite song <3

3/22/2025

Almost deleted all of this by accident, oops sorry for my lack of flounder.

Been talking to people about housing crap because that's all I've seemed to update people on, so I feel the need to keep updating people on it. It does deeply effect me, but its also so annoying/exhausting/not even that big of a deal.

Heres the other stuff I've been wanting to talk about:

I started medication of depression/ADHD, also got properly diagnosed with ADHD, even though I was technically diagnosed as a child. My therapist asked what it was like to receive my ADHD diagnosis, I guess expecting that hearing it would be huge for me.

Honestly, the reminder that I have depression at all times, not just when I'm thinking about it, was bigger. (This next part may be triggering btw, skip to next paragraph) I was going through the throws of unaliving thoughts/actions so much last year, that I've been feeling currently like theres "not an issue" bc I'm not in some sort of crisis. But the lack of motivation and goals for myself is still very much the symptoms of depression. I've described this feeling (to no one really, I keep a lot of this to myself) as if a bird who's wings were once broken, but in the time it took to heal, they've since forgotten how to fly. I can't get down on myself too heavy for all of this, it makes it worse. It just hurts to feel like I could be doing so much more.

I'm officially dropping the Love Bite zine idea, as fun as it was to imagine/write out. (Zine about peoples gossip/drama.) And this might sound silly, but I started to realize that I don't want to spread my friends drama around with the possibility of them not knowing about it. Lol its obvious now, but not when I was starting this project.

I love my sister, and I think she is very cool. Its been really essential for me lately to hear from her, and also how she reacts to my parents. My dad was officially diagnosed with OCD, and me and her got to sit with that for a bit. Along with reminiscing on our early years, and how we both went about our relationship with technology very differently. She is very funny, and we joke around in a way I really can't find with others. She has also been sending me very nice text messages, and telling me my poetry is good. That feels good.

Other things possibly, talk to me and find out.

2/13/2025

Lol wishing I could be one of those flounder folks who write one sentence and then done haha

Sitting in cafe with nose practically touching the screen reading flounder posts. Snapped out of it eventually and realized how close i am to computer. Normal distance now.

Last saturday was peak crazy (unexpected trigger). Part of it is feeling like I can't talk about it. Was hoping to alleviate this feeling through therapy. Therapy was cancelled. Theres a solution somewhere. Outside of this craziness, (which feels like a haze that creeps in if I sit long enough) Things are relatively normal.

Also outside of this craziness is a kind of emptiness ?? Like so small but there. Its both a want for intimacy, and a creative endeavor. I told a guy I had a crush on him (embarrassing) and he felt the same way, but had got back with his ex a couple days prior. The whole thing makes me feel like I should give up "meet guy at bar to out n about" and do the apps. I hate this idea, as I don't want to be perceived without actually being there. As for the creative task, the idea of leather work seems intriguing. Its mainly intriguing because the leather items I want cost SO MUCH.

2/7/2025

hello computer. This is Mr. Ass.

I just finished my resume !!! Impossible task. Not-so impossible when money motivator.

I performed on That day (,,,the 4th) It went well, would do again.

Feeling pretty lately ! Also feeling the need for connection damn near always. I feel like I could meet people (men/masc in particular) out in about, but its hard! I had a day dream where i meet a guy at a bar and he's the only other person there, and he also doesn't go on iphone. then we talk for so long and it goes good and happy ending, more so no ending at all. ......Anyways

1/27/2025

The feeling of needing to express gender in a different way gets alleviated when I dress like a freak. More freaks need to run around stl. I also feel like my gender identity isn't changing per say, more so my want for a different expression. Was starting to mix those 2 up.

I'm at maypop (cafe) in their quite section, and there's only One other person in here. I feel the need to talk to him, but i can't, i need to be quite.

1/25/2025

Whats funnier than 24? 25. isn't that what sponge bob said?

Wanting to sit down today and get some poems fledged out. I'm performing on the 4th. They spelled my name wrong on the flyer lol. Its ok. I ranted about my name to my friend last night. People want to call me literally anything but bigassbug. And I get it, saying that name takes mental gumption. But I also think you're a coward if you don't say the full thing.

In other news I'm having a lot of Big feelings lately. I'm feeling a lot more insecure. This is funny because in my last mushroom trip (a month ago) I feel like I really squashed that feeling. But gender has me feeling soooo many kinds of ways. Its always confusing, its always been confusing. Permanent/semi permanent changes and confusion don't mix.

I talked about some incredibly exhausting things last night. It was already late, its the end of the night, I'm about to go inside and sleep. But before I can, my friend who's sitting the car with me, asked me how I was feeling about my ex. (We broke up around a month and a half ago.) To put it lightly I have a lot of feelings around my ex. They've evolved since we broke it off.

I cried a bit, which hasn't happened in awhile. I'm overwhelmed and sad. My friend kinda gets himself stuck in the middle of all of this, since he's good friends with both me and my ex. I keep trying to remind him that he doesn't have to play mediator. He wants us to talk, since he thinks that we're on different pages. I don't know. I've been ignoring any and all urges I have to reach out to ex. I feel like it'll make it worse. Sad face, this sucks.

1/24/2025

So uhhhh haha. Uhhh. Yeah, Uhhhh.

Bro, I got asked to perform (read poetry) at an event, which is the first time that's happened (exciting). But it also makes me so nervous. At open mics I feel like the pressure gets turned down. But being part of the act makes me feel like I should know my shit a bit more. I think it is So Cool when someone memorizes their poetry, as it feels like they can focus more on the delivery. I want this.

Side note: At work the other day, I was telling a coworker that poetry is probably the dorkiest (dorkiest is a word...) thing that I do. He the corrected me saying that my love for miatas is a lot dorkier (dorkier also has word status.) I love my car too much, i used to hate car people pre miata. I just got her outta the garage, I was stuck on the ice outside of the garage for 15+ minutes before a neighbor came to help. I knew this would happen, as 2500lb rwd car + ice don't mix. I had to cancel so many plans these past couple weeks bc car stuck. I really don't hate the snow/cold tho, this is my preferred weather. If it was up to me, the hottest summer would be is 60ish, with maybe 4-5 days where it would be above that. The heat makes me feel like I'm gonna freak out, I become so whiney and intolerable. This, plus I love to layer my clothing.... Gender Dysphoria oops.

I'm gonna write more l8r, so much to talk about...

1/12/2025

yeah yeah right right.

1/11/2025

I ask people what trash media they consume in order to figure out how online they are, and also how open about it they are. Some sort of intimacy. I have some online guilty pleasures, and I think I hope to find someone who shares the same or equally weird interest.

god god god god. I hate it all. Not actually, I don't actually hate it all.

1/10/2025

I like the lumps of disturbed snow covered in a blanket of new snow.

I have been doing mostly nothing but eating and napping, or at least it feels that way. I need a new job, send job openings my way please. I have not left my house unless someone comes and gets me. My car isn't built for this or more so my trust isn't built for this. I wanna hurry up and make this home lived in. I'm slightly uncomfortable by it not being lived in. I want it to have more.

I had. such a bad dream last night. (They call those nightmares oops.) I will get reminded of it, and start to panic. I have to keep showing myself that is wasn't real. Like re-walking through it.

I watched bones and all again, i like that movie. grrrrr. bones grrrr.

1/9/2025

(This turned into a long long blurb, ugh sorry .....maybe? Im trying to decide if my head acknowledges that people see this or not.)

HELP IM TRAPPED INSIDE A COMPUTER!!!!!!!!

hahaha jk jk, i am actually in real life !

Cannot decide how I would like to use this page, don't hold me to anything quite yet please.

I showed my roommate Ami the joys of flounder (hi ami!), and it was inspiring me to make shit just talking about it. I need to be making more art (always saying this shit!) I was grocery shopping today with Ami, and thinking of various things to post. * Grocery shopping is not fun for me. The whole process is overwhelming in a bad way. I give up a lot when i grocery shop. Ami helps this process. Sometimes I push the cart and say a funny quip or two, it feels helpful. I bought mascarpone as a nice treat for myself.

I have been heavy thinking about the bounds of my sexuality. Theres this push to not be bound by labels surrounding queerness. Like this need to feel like you don't owe anyone an explanation, which I get. Trying to fit feelings and emotions and nuance into a single word is hard, especially when translating that amongst multiple humans. I also have this want to have some sort of label that accurately describes what I want (also to know what I want!)

I was trying to talk about sexuality bs in therapy yesterday, but ofc we spent the first half of our session talking about shit that didn't really matter lol. So I'm full of this nervous energy surrounding it. This whole thing makes me want to get hit in the side of the head really hard.

sad face, I don't wanna type about this any more


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