##LIVE STATUS FEED

7/4

They are calling me “an Angel Investor for Life” and who am i to argue?

I am levitating three feet off the ground I’m doing so awesome right now. I love everybody.

7/2

Went shopping right after work and got real sweaty in the changing rooms. But i persevered and spent [REDACTED] on a bunch of clothes i feel i pretty much needed. Got a few pairs of linen pants which was crucial for my survival this summer, as well as some tank tops that are doing a lot of gender for me. And some other stuff too. I feel good because if you think about it i never spend money on clothes so this was well overdue. And i look cute so. I’m innocent.

I also cooked a real meal for the first time in a while tonight and am very proud of myself. Like something that required multiple steps and cooking different things at different times, etc. It was still pretty basic and there was definitely room for improvement, but it tasted good as hell. This is one of my major goals this year is to become good at cooking and as we all know, i can achieve literally anything if i put my mind to it, so im excited about this good start. Yahoo!

Right now i think im awesome. I’m back with a vengeance.

7/2

Vulnerable: i am contemplating experimenting with adding noses to my smileys. I’ve always been a :) person but maybe i could be another type of person

:)

:>)

:<)

:~)

:-)

:c)

:0)

:O)

:o)

:^)

:•)

7/2

Helped my friends move. There is nothing i love more than helping a friend. My body is a machine designed to help lesbians move. I love having a real job. Something to do with my damn hands that doesn’t feel so god damned pointless. I had a really good day!

Went home from work to change and then walked straight over to M’s current apartment, hung out with their friend J who I had met once before and really liked while we were waiting on them to return in the uhaul. M and L pulled up and we basically got to work. Me and J did rock paper scissors to see who got to ride with M in the uhaul, i rode with L in the car, which was good actually. I was very nervous about meeting her bc it’s like, M is my best Chicago friend and i am so fond of them and if their gf doesn’t like me then that’s going to suck. Fortunately, predictably maybe, she is really fun and seemed to like me i think.

We loaded up the uhaul with like half of M’s stuff, then drove to the new place, where we got locked out. For some reason their building requires six different keys to get inside, and they were one short. M called their landlord, who walked over but didn’t bring any keys or anything with her so it was a waste of like 15 minutes. Eventually a neighbor let us in and he’s like an 80s movie stereotype nerd named Felix, who is really taking this opportunity to talk to M and L for so long meanwhile we had already been so delayed by getting locked out. M was clearly getting pissed, but me and J thought it was so funny. Eventually he left. M brought cupcakes for my bday and gave one to Felix, he was very excited about it.

Unloaded the uhaul, then went to L’s storage unit and reloaded the uhaul. I’m sweating so much obviously. I’m also having such a good time. I said this and nobody believed me. L said that’s crazy. But i meant it. I love having a purpose, and for that purpose to be helping people i care about. Come on now. Plus i love hanging out and these people are so fun. And they all kept remarking on how strong i am and im like blushing aw shucks.

Inevitably we finish and L drives me home so i can change my shirt, then we meet M and J at the uhaul place where all of the workers have clocked out but are gathered in a pack in the parking lot smoking, in a way that was so intimidating while we tried to locate the key drop off. We went and got pizza and hung out for a bit then i walked home. Genuinely had so much fun. Really want to hang out with J again, and want to get to know L better. They’re like oh we owe you for helping us move, and I’m like oh i owe you for being in my life. Even Steven.

Happy birthday to my mom. Shoutout mom.

7/1

Just paid rent and i don’t get paid til Friday but i think im going to go blow a bunch of money at Uniqlo tomorrow. Happy birthday to me. I need new pants and am way overdue for a wardrobe refresh, and i also just discovered that i can feel good about myself by wearing new clothes. Cheat code unlocked.

7/1

Had a really good birthday. Simple and chill. Took off work a bit early, ran some errands as a gift to myself (responsible) and dropped off my film to be developed. Got dinner with A and then we watched The Thing. Contemplating making this a birthday tradition, but also i feel maybe this would be a better winter tradition. Inevitable that i will be throwing a Thing party, but i have my entire life to decide when. Thinking the time may be right to watch the 2011 prequel soon.

Helping M and L move today. Getting so pumped for my road trip (thank you @idi for protecting my hands).

I am twenty six years old now and every day i get older and wiser and stronger and smarter and more powerful. I don’t plan on stopping. The most important part of the growth mindset is the mindset, but a close second is actually doing the part where you grow. An exciting start to this year of my life. Les do dis.

At work like damn i miss my bandana.

6/29

Fixed myself by going shopping with my sisters. Need to tap into this more. You can fix problems using consumption. Bought some new shirts and some bandanas that have done exactly what i thought they’d do for my self image and gender in general. I’m badnana now. Had a very nice day/night yesterday, and while I’m bummed i missed out on float trip, it was clearly the right call.

Everyone at the Amtrak station was lining up wrong and i said i want no part in this and went and lined up normal and then five minutes later they came out and told everyone they were lining up wrong, putting me very close to the front of the line. Ha. I win. I am winning.

Happy birthday Sam.

6/27

Last night was so much fun. Everyone is so nice to me. It was a really good first time reading for me, thank you idi and everyone who came out. It went really well and i had a great time.

Really having kind of an awful time with dysphoria lately. Feeling good in my mind and awful in my body, which was hard for me yesterday particularly. I wore a suit and tie because i thought it would be funny (and i think it was) but also i just really needed to put something between my body and people looking at it. This did not detract from how much fun i had, but I’ve just really been struggling with this lately for the first time in a long while. Just can’t shake it. Kind of also dreading float trip, during which i will also have to be in my body. Like im excited and will have so much fun but im feeling more like a brain in a jar right now than a human being with a body. Feeling like i need a full body transplant. This will pass, or at least i will get quiet about it again, but i needed to vent/overshare.

6/26

Feeling good today, i got in a weird way while i was on the train yesterday and stayed that way. Felt hard to shake i guess because ive felt so good for so long. I’m normal again i think. Another thing that i think getting back into good gym habit will fix completely.

If im being honest im kind of nervous about reading tonight! But I’m also very excited. I’m not too worried about messing up or anything, just the anxiety of anticipation i think. I also am still deciding the last poem i want to read, i have the other two sorted out but im really on the fence about the middle one. I want it to flow well. Good news is my poems can be dog food because there are a bunch of good poems afterwards written by my good friend idi.

6/25

I’m turning 26 on Monday i need to lock in. There are several things i put on pause because i was moving and now im like oh that’s overwhelming that i have to pick all of that back up again but actually it’s not it just feels that way because i don’t want to do anything. Not a problem im locking in. Really want to get back in the gym above all else bc not only was i starting to feel really good and in shape, i also am paying for that shit so i really should be using it. I’ve got big goals again this year. And i will achieve them.

This year i will become the legendary super saiyan. Goku himself was 33 years old when he achieved this, so 26 is pretty impressive.

I need you guys to all pretend I’m not blonde already so that when i bleach my hair again it feels like a dramatic change.

I need to get real. Lock in o clock.

6/24

Oh brother!

6/24

Yep Francis Francis Francis, that’s me. Name so nice you say it thrice.

6/24

If i had my way you would be run out of town by me and my goons with pitchforks and torches. (Just a concept I’m kicking around, goons apply within)

Thinking about legally changing my name to Francis Francis Francis. Could be funny idk.

6/23

Seriously considering becoming someone who wears bandanas (I’m nonbinary). Let me know what you think about this (I’m nonbinary).

6/23

something really funny is that every notable man I’ve looked up to as a role model in my youth has in the interim turned out to also be transgender and not a man. I never had a damn chance. For some silly reason in my dream i was in high school and there were three of these people and myself in a room getting interviewed for the yearbook or something and we were all in boy mode but i kept a laughing because i was like lol what are the odds.

The heat. It’s hotting.

So much for damn “global cooling”. If that’s so damn real, then how do all of these woke activist environmentalists explain that year after year we experience record breaking heat waves? If climate change were real, why is it hot right now? Checkmate idiots. If anything, it’s getting warmer on a global scale, not colder. Explain that. Explain that without using the words greenhouse effect or carbon emissions or atmosphere. You cant can you? Uh yeah, so much for global cooling, it’s hot right now. Okay I’m hearing now that I’ve got this whole thing backwards. Well. Egg on my face. Surely if the world is getting hotter we should do something about it. It’s too damn hot I’m sweat. Please.

Awesome weekend despite the heat. Played a bunch of Minecraft with L and I, and they got to meet M. Worlds collide. Meeting of the minds. Played cards at the bar last night and went to get ice cream. Epic night.

I wish that my job paid 100x what i get paid now, and that i was allowed to take a long break whenever i want with no consequences. Oh i don’t feel like working for the next month, no problem. But i need money to live. Everyone’s sick of hearing it, most of all me, but i need to quit my job.

6/20

I had such an awesome day yesterday. Worked blah blah blah got free pizza.

Then i went home and changed out of my fake person clothes (office) and into my real self and then walked over to M’s to help them install their A/C. They gave me a blue beer which was actually very good.

Then we went over to my old place to get the last of my stuff, minus my bike. We brought it over to my new place and then installed MY A/C window unit.

Then we went up town to help one of Ms friends who they used to live with in SF pack up their uhaul. They and their partner were like, archetypical uhaul lesbian moving in together and it was a lot of fun meeting them and the moving was pretty easy. Met a dog named scrumby and their owner who suited each other.

This random guy on the street came up to me and M and was like ughhhh this is soooo awkward i don’t even want to ask this you’re going to think I’m sooo weird but it’s drug related, man it’s so awkward, you guys aren’t cops are you? Well do you guys want to come to my apartment and do a bump with me? To which we said no because neither of us are drug doers and even if we were the vibes were off with this guy. He seemed very nice but very erratic. We wished him well and then heard him telling someone else that he felt invalidated by us not wanting to do drugs with him. It was funny mostly.

Then M and I were hungry so we went to this Ethiopian place nearby bc neither of us had ever tried Ethiopian and we were there for so long there was like only one person working there. But it was good and i had so much fun. We were laughing it up. When we finally left it was late so i just walked home from where M parked.

Such a fun night except for the part where all of these they them lesbians are talking about how in love they are with their partners and suddenly i am confronted with my own loneliness in a way i wasn’t prepared for. Sometimes i don’t think it bothers me. Sometimes it really does. Ignoring it doesn’t always work. Lingered with me as i went to bed last night. Lingering with me now. I am happy on my own but i am not immune to Wanting.

Stop Thinking About It.

6/19

I don’t know what I’ll do when John, the man who runs the NANCY COMICS BY ERNIE BUSHMILLER Twitter and Bluesky accounts stops posting. He has been sick for a while now and he seems pretty old. He’s followed me back for several years and followed me again when he came over to Bluesky. I couldn’t tell you why but it’s always felt special to me. I need to get access to whatever archive he’s getting all these comics from, be ready to take up the mantle. I haven’t had much luck finding stuff online.

6/19

One of my fish died and i got really upset about it. I don’t want to get into it rn but very hard to not feel like it was completely my fault. Spent 30 minutes in the office bathroom crying my eyes out about it, then i had to go back and be like yes sir right away sir let me send you that document. Whiplash.

Went to mj lenderman and drank 7 beers and then an angel from heaven sold me a hotdog on the street as i was walking out and it was exactly what i needed. Thank you sir.

Feeling kind of full inventory mentally this week. Lot of moving pieces.

6/18

Happens every time. One or two weeks slow at work, followed by being extremely overloaded and asked to spend time outside of work hours on shit. I am concurrently working on 6 to 8 projects and even if it wasn’t all tasks that I’ve never been asked to do before, it would still be nearly impossible to be keeping track of all of the moving pieces. Fuck this place. But what am i supposed to do about it. The problem is i don’t want to work. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to work in an office. I don’t want to have to dress like this.

But i actually am going to mj lenderman. So. I win.

The thing of it is that my work life should not impact my life outside of work, which is the important part. But nobody who works here feels that way so I’m fucked. I want to scream so loud that i become the legendary super saiyan.

My life is still awesome outside work.

My innie is suffering. My outie is thriving.

6/17

Starting a new viral challenge called the Be Normal To Me Challenge.

6/17

Took a nap and my alarm never went off. And i know for a fact it didn’t go off so it’s not my fault. I woke up at midnight. M and I were supposed to go to our barbers party but they wound up not feeling up to it after work so i guess it’s not a completely loss. But i hate sleeping through something it gives me the worst kind of fomo. Like i was unconscious, meanwhile people were having fun? Fucked up.

Had an interesting dream though. Escalators in libraries, grappling hooks in the woods, flying around in space from planet to planet. Swimming in the pool. Talking to my best friends from 5th grade. Becoming friends with my ex from high school in secret for some reason.

I can’t stand working lately. I need to take a sabbatical. I need to travel east and then north and then west and then south in a big loop. I need this.

6/16

I can’t wait for work to be over so i can go home. I love my home.

Picking crazy amounts of mulberries because there is a wire crossed in my brain that when i taste a mulberry i feel like a fat little child shoving berries into their mouth by the handful, face and hands and belly all stained purple blue with the sweet syrup, bare feet kicking in the short grass in joyous glee.

Tapping into my gatherer instincts. M saw me doing this yesterday and said it was weird. So out of spite I’m picking and eating even more berries. This is like the main thing human beings have hands and fingers for. I’ll not be deprived.

When work ends i will go and pick more berries and frolic and skip all the way home.

6/15

The move went so smoothly it was crazy

I am in my new apartment now and it is incredible

I had fun with my mom and dad, save for my dad getting weird and angry on Friday night, but even then i got to have a productive debrief with my mom afterwards.

E helped me with the move and we made quick work of it. He met my parents and it was funny.

Spent some time with my parents getting organized and unpacked, went on a run to buy some stuff to fill out the apartment, went out to drink with them which was funny. They left today a little after 1.

M came over around 3 and was mad i didn’t let them meet my parents. I said I’m not sure I’m ready for that. They hung out and told me about Pittsburg while i did some more organizing, then we ran some errands and went out for drinks. We showed eachother pictures of us at various points in our haircut history and it was really funny. So great to see them again.

They got too drunk and wanted to go home to which I said boooooo, because i didn’t get drunk enough, so im drinking some beers and watching a movie now. And eating a pizza. In my awesome new apartment. Holy shit my life rocks.

6/13

There was a dog loose in Logan yesterday and there were like 30 people trying to get him. I tried to help but it was sort of no point. He was running between cars and stuff it was stressful. I think they got him eventually.

My internet service provider has been jerking me around because they sent me my new modem too early. Spent all day yesterday trying to get support and then had to get on the phone with them for an additional two hours this morning so i could actually work from home. Now that’s done but i fear i may have to go through the exact same process to get them to start the wifi at my new apartment.

Waiting for my parents to get here. My sister said Good Luck to me as they were leaving stl this morning so it seems like it’ll be an interesting weekend. Okay!

6/12

Sometimes i think im not an adventurous enough eater and then i go to my office full of the pickiest white people on earth and i feel like Anthony Bourdain. This is an office full of chicken nugget kids who never tried anything else. My 45 year old coworker almost had a meltdown about “trying” Greek food. The new intern is “allergic” to Mexican food (doubt) and won’t eat fish if her life depends on it. Nick (annoying) is some sort of brand ambassador for Jimmy John’s the way he is constantly talking about it. He sent the following email this week:

I will always recommend Jimmy John’s. They have hot sandwiches now, if that’s your flavor. They’ve always had free smells.

And what on earth could that mean. I don’t know. One of them said she almost threw up when she tried falafel. These people need serious help.

6/12

I think out of anything I’m most excited for the move to be over so i can get back in routine. I’m eating like dog food, not been going to the gym, neglecting my hobbies, etc. I am at my most powerful when I’m locked into a routine is something i have learned about myself over the last couple years.

Been having such pleasant and vivid dreams lately, all very plot oriented. Haven’t bothered writing many down, but last night i recall traveling with a group of people and we stopped at interesting places along the way, at some point we found ourselves all climbing around in this massive tree with no leaves. I remember i was being funny and i was really trying to impress someone and it felt like it was working. Strike what i said above, im actually at my most powerful when im trying to impress someone, but thats not mutually exclusive with routine, sometimes they are one and the same.

6/11

God i love my epic life. What a charmed life. Some many people to love and be loved by. I’m so lucky for real.

My mom and dad are visiting this weekend to help me unpack and stuff and I’m looking forward to it. I think I’m pretty good at managing everything when it’s just the three of us, but I’m sure there will still be a couple weird moments. Mostly I’m excited.

Moving furniture with E on Saturday, I’ve told my parents they aren’t allowed to lift anything heavy. Because they are old people. E and A have been a lot of help with the move i owe them big time. Lucky I’m so sweet and charming or else how the hell would i be getting this move done by myself.

M gets back this weekend too (!!). I am so excited for them to see my new place. I missed them! And they’ll need help moving pretty soon too. Such an L that we are no longer going to be neighbors once they move because that was such a fun novelty. Having a friend whose house i can walk to makes me feel like im in elementary school again. Bummer that apartments are so hard to find and so expensive to live in. I wish all my friends lived right next door to me.

Feeling incredibly chill today in that i don’t think I’m going to get anything done at work, but then I’ll use that energy later to get my apartment squared away. Trying to figure out if I’ll have wifi in the new place by Friday or not, bc i want to work from home.

6/11

I think pretty much I’m done sleeping at my old apartment. The only furniture in the new place is my bed, but that’s all i need. Moved my tv over and set it up on a box at the foot of my bed, got my vhs going. Watched Sphere last night. Wasn’t that good really which was a bummer. Learned i like Dustin Hoffman though. I would go into the sphere and have pure thoughts and be kind so that whole thing wouldn’t be a problem for me (sphere makes your dreams and emotions manifest in reality).

Gotta say it again now that I’m staying there more and more, my new apartment is so awesome. I’m so lucky. And I’m going to make it so cool. Discovered the fireplace works!!! So I’ll be cozying up this winter rest assured (need to remember to get renters assurance that covers fires lol)

I’m scared of it being more French than I’m prepared for in Montreal. I’m francophobic in that i have a phobia of the French.

6/10

Doing the worlds first “strand” type move. This is where, because i don’t have a car, i load up as many things as i can physically carry, then slowly lumber my way between apartments, just like Death Stranding. Developing a true somatic sense of what a full inventory feels like. I need an exoskeleton so freaking bad.

6/10

Everyone who knows i got in an hour late is already gone. Everyone who knows im leaving an hour early got in after me. And so the Time Thief succeeds again. A 10 hour day, woof how exhausting for me. Wink!

6/10

This is so powerful to me

Link

The 40 year old men running this HEC-RAS 2D hydraulic modeling seminar are shitting on AI. Just as a riff, unrelated to anything. Dropping fire emojis and 100 emojis in the chat. Hell yeah boys. Sometimes engineers are smart people.

6/10

Nothing worse than a compliment from someone whose opinion you don’t respect. I get that they mean well but my coworkers should not even be allowed to perceive me, let alone comment on my appearance. No i actually love being asked about why i look the way that i look. I spit at you. Ptooie. Just wanted to let you know, I’m monitoring your appearance and think maybe we should have a whole conversation about the way it has changed. Maybe ask permission next time. Is this a good way to feel in your workplace? Lmk.

6/10

A came over to help me put the bed frame together which was huge, we ordered a pizza and i set up my vhs and put on a tape about aliens bc i don’t have internet rn. Almost immediately fell asleep my mattress is so comfortable. I was worried the mattress in a box deal was just a big scam but it’s genuinely so good. A woke me up when the tape was over to make fun of me but i was like you can’t blame me I’ve been suffering on my old mattress for so long. Walked her out and locked up but i was too tired to go back home so I spent the night in my new bed on my new mattress in my new home. Effervescent. Slept like an angel baby. A baby angel. Holy shit.

Realized this morning the hot and cold handles on my shower are swapped and i almost feel like making a fuss about it because i can see exactly how to fix it. I could swap the handles myself, but id really like for them to swap the supply lines so that it’s intuitive. Hot on the left cold on the right. Not a big deal though. Prank shower.

In such a great mood and then i walk into the office and suddenly i am suffering. I think the two may be connected.

6/9

I’ve been riding so high lately. The big move is this weekend. Max Keebler. But it don’t bother me none I’ve got it all figured out.

Went to IKEA with A and E yesterday and had a lot of fun. Got the Songsand bed frame and they both got really annoyed with me because i was trying to match bed colors with the trim of my bedroom, but i didn’t have good pictures of either. I think i nailed it tho.

Shelled out big bucks on a new mattress and it has also arrived, which i am thrilled about. Putting the frame together this evening and maybe sleeping at the new place tonight.

After IKEA i unpacked some boxes and organized some stuff, felt really good.

Walked home at sunset, beaming the whole way. What a life, what a city, what a world, i say to myself. Boy do i love summer.

Someone should study how i feel bad in the winter and good in the summer. There’s got to be something more going on.

6/7

Right so I’ve left you all on the edge of your seats waiting to hear about my haircut. Well here it is. The reviews are in. It’s a good haircut. Went to the hairstylist that M goes to on their referral and it was literally a blast. The most fun i have ever had getting my hair cut. It’s all queer people there which is leagues beyond anywhere I’ve gone before. I used to exclusively go to men’s hair saloon wtf was that about. Anyways M referred me specifically to their barber K who is also non binary and is so similar to M it’s crazy. Which is to say we immediately hit it off and were just chatting it up having a good time. I always get so nervous and anxious about hair cuts because of the way that i am, and there was none of this. Furthermore the cut itself is excellent and basically just what i envisioned. And they were so informative and helpful. And here’s the kicker i am now invited to a party at K’s place to celebrate them getting their stylist license in like February or something. And i gave them an out twice and they were like no i want you there. So basically i am forming a nonbinary coalition. And i have a bob now. Fuck with me.

6/7

Welp it’s official. I’m doing it. I’m having the surgery. The procedure is being done to me. As we speak it is underway. They let me bring my phone in here. Yep that’s right. They are making me green. They are turning me green completely. Tip to toe green, like the color. Next time you see me don’t be shocked if the way i look is green to you. (I am getting my hair cut)