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A Constellation of Ideas

Another Entry in the Gemlog of dazlab.

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A Re-framing of Priorities - Part II

For forty years I have breathed the air of this beautiful Earth, felt the nourishment of the Sun upon my face, the fresh and envigorating sting of cold rain and harsh wind; yet breath itself is not life, just the instrument of survival. What, then, is Living? Surely - by any measure - the act of Living is more than just being alive; more than simply existing in Time, and in Space; a single unit of elemental consciousness in the visage of a Man.

I don't know the answer, because I have never Lived; my existence has been one of survival, and inaction. Largely inaction. I lack certain qualities that mark the Living from the Living Dead. For one, I exist in a bubble of my own making, a "zone of comfort" that I rarely step out of. I've built certain security mechanisms around my existence, certain patterns of behaviour that bind me, if you will, and shelter me from the elations, and subsequent and inevitable tragedies, of the Living, yet that provide me comfort only in the physical sense. I've built around me a sort of prison of my own making.

I have led this sheltered existence for so long, maintaining its behavioural patterns and routines, that to step outside provokes great fear and apprehension within me; It would perhaps be melodramatic to liken my situation to that of the poor wretched souls within Plato's alegorical Cave, seeing shadow as reality, maybe even suspecting that those said shadows are not entirely convincing, that maybe there is more to be had, but having no agency to change their situation, crippled by the same fear and apprehension that shackles me in the way I have described. Melodrama, perhaps. But not altogether dissimilar.

To quote Freddy Mercury: "I want to break free".

I started 2024 with the germ of an idea that maybe I could break the cycle; cut the noose; shatter the illusion; splinter the loop. Whether it is a lack of self-discipline, or some fear response - a sub-conscious protection mechanism, I don't know. But I have been unable to enact a single significant change to my situation. I find this depressing, though not altogether surprising; it is a pattern of being I am most familiar with - I've been doing it my entire life.

So. What does one do? There is the self-help grift, which does nothing to further my aims and serves only to undermine my efforts. At one point in time there was perhaps merit in this category of literature, but it has been surplanted by a sea of vacuous nonsense. I've often felt that all the answers a person needs to navigate the murky waters of life are held within, and it is simply a matter of finding the Truth within. So, reflection, perhaps, or medititative practices? Maybe I need to take myself out of my self-imposed bubble, spend some time in a strange place doing strange things, in order to gain some perspective.