Becoming a dad again
There is a lot of thoughts related to becoming a dad again, some old, some new.
Sorry for the absence, the moving and prep of the apartment is a time consuming wreck.
The second time around
There is some new thoughts, specifically around my own parents this time. I always felt my dad was the good/safe parent, although there have always been ways I never wanted to model his dadhood.
I am starting to question if he even really was a dad, I have a lot of questions about my childhood. Questions I can't ask him as he had severe head trauma many years ago.
My childhood
Was a mess, both my parents, mess. A lot of the questions is related to my mom's gaslighting and what I have recently realised, my dad's indifference to my existence.
Yes I am new at all this, for 35 years I thought it was normal for childhood and adulthood to be the same level of difficulty. It would seem logical to assume, for life to follow a baseline. Until you point out that all mammals teach their young.
Why wasn't I taught?
I know why my parents couldn't teach, with what they had from their childhood, which I probably shouldn't know about either.
I don't even think an effort was made to teach me though, to fix themselves, to make them able to teach.
There in lies the questions, did they ever try? Was there an attempt? Or was it all just a charade, two masks in my past.
I'm not them
I'm happy I'm not, for the longest time I was scared I was going to be. The first couple of years, I wasn't a very good dad.
The new kid scares me, for fear of becoming that person again. I still don't know how I became a good dad to my kid, it just happened eventually.
What if doesn't just happen this time?
Created 2024-10-12 - Updated 2024-10-12
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