Academic Spamspamspam

Publishing with a reknowned academic publisher has its comical consequences. Fawning emails with generous career opening offers now fill the inbox.

First patient. Please step in.

Seu artigo intitulado --------- foi convidado para ser publicado como um capítulo do livro digital ---------, que está sendo organizado e será publicado com ISBN, Conselho Editorial e DOI.

Aha, an old acquaintance! This fellow shows up every now and then with urgent offers, and generously gives me a second, a third, fourth chance every six months when I have not taken the time to reply. I should remember to ask them how much they'd pay me for letting them publish my article. It's probably a negative number.

OK, so they offer to republish my open access paper in a book, with all the presumed benefits that might entail. In case of doubt, they explain it in clear terms (except, of course, that I don't really understand Portugese very well).

Benefícios da publicação:
- Para os autores de capítulos de livros com ISBN e DOI é uma das melhores opções em nível de pontuação, possui o mesmo peso de um artigo publicado em periódico Qualis B2/B3.

Yeah, if you have to care about the prestige of how it's published (assuming that's what Qualis refers to) you'd have to be cautious with some publishers.

- Seu trabalho será avaliado na íntegra por pares, professores mestres e/ou doutores na sua área do conhecimento.

As if it wasn't already available.

- Seu trabalho será publicado como um capítulo de livro e a autoria do capítulo poderá ser adicionado como experiência no seu currículo Lattes.

Sure, but who's going to read that book? Looks like it's going to be a motley assemblage, though it does mention music in its title, so it's not one of those "sociology, science, engineering, etc" publications.

- Seu trabalho receberá a atribuição de um DOI (...), indexação que garante o armazenamento do metadata do seu trabalho na base de dados da Crossref (...) o qual garante que o seu trabalho nunca se perca na internet e aumenta significativamente o número de citações da obra.

Fine, but it's already published and so far as I recall it does have a DOI. How else did you find it? Also, its title is such a click bait that I don't worry about readers missing it!

Next patient, please.

Dear Dr. NN,
I hope this message finds you well. I'm writing to introduce you to [XY], a leading animation service designed to enhance the impact of your research. Our team specialises in transforming complex scientific concepts into captivating animations that can engage your fellow researchers, students, and the general public.

I know what you mean, brother. Back in my academic days I too used to specialise in complex scientific concepts. Nowadays I rather take the attitude that specialisation is for insects (who said that?) and animation is for those who have the patience.

Here's how our animations can benefit your work:
- Elevate the appeal of your presentations.
- Strengthen outreach efforts for funding.
- Facilitate quick peer education.
- Empower effective and engaging teaching.
- Attract investors faster.
Our team of expert animators offers a diverse range of animation styles, from 2D and 3D animation to whiteboard animations and more. Additionally, we include an outreach campaign with all our animations to help disseminate your research.

I wouldn't mind a 5D blackboard animation. They go on to list their clientele, which includes academia, commercial enterprises, and the rest.

To explore how our animations can enhance your paper XXXX: YYYY, we offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to discuss your research objectives and any questions you have.
We eagerly anticipate the opportunity to partner with you in enhancing science communication.

These spin doctors may have glanced at the abstract of my latest publication, since they quote the paper's title. What they most likely don't know is that I have made several animations myself, though not for the sake of "enhancing the impact of my research." Making animations can be both tedious and time-consuming, at least the way I go about it. Animation professionals use other tools that speed up the process. They work in teams. They get reasonably payed, I assume. All those things set them apart from me and my work with animation.

But the irony doesn't stop with the fact that this animation service are offering their support to someone who has done animations. The paper in question, which they propose to help divulge, is not so much a standard research paper as a commentary on a performance work, with some reflections on theoretical notions introduced by my supervisor from my PhD days. It should be quite accessible reading even for people without expertise in its narrow field of research, whatever it is. I'm sure younger generations and the rest of us too are increasingly having trouble reading text, as opposed to watching videos, which is a pitty, but I don't believe a catchy animation is a substitute for the slow reflection you can engage with in written form. So much for your "effective and engaging teaching," which I doubt is very effective at all. As for "elevating the appeal of presentation", let me note again that the paper is about a performance work, which is already a multimedia presentation in and of itself. There's already video documentation of the performance, though it really should be experienced live. They also promise to attract funding and investors. Yes, I could use some of that, but to be realistic, my own documentation is likely going to be more efficient.

Next case.

Dear Dr. NN,
Recognising the paramount importance of public outreach in research, I hope to discuss an exciting opportunity pertaining to your recent work.

Thank you, I'm very excited too.

[XY] collaborates with research teams to enhance public outreach through professionally produced articles featured in our bi-monthly magazine. Our goal is to engage a broader audience.

How broad an audience, and why? Do you think people have nothing more important to do than to read my research papers, or rather some diluted presentation of their content?

As we curate content for our upcoming ... edition, spotlighting ... research articles across diverse scientific disciplines, we firmly believe that your work would be a valuable addition to this publication.

You "firmly believe," on the basis of what, having skimmed through an abstract?

Are you open to exploring this opportunity for your paper, XXXX: YYYY?

Well, let's say that's why I agreed to having it published in the first place. It's available under open access, mind you.

Our proposal involves crafting an article centered around your recent paper, highlighting its pivotal aspects or exploring new dimensions of your research. [XY] guarantees extensive exposure by disseminating all content, including your article, across major social media platforms and our website, effectively reaching a substantial global audience.

See, the difference between these folks and academics is that they "craft articles" whereas in academia they write papers. We are also supposed to have read the relevant literature in our field and cite previous research in the references. If this crafted article contributes something new it might qualify as research. Then, by all means, you should try to have it published in some academic journal! You don't have to ask permission to do so. I also get a funny feeling that this team of spin doctors are somehow beholden to that entity called the attention economy, or take for granted that their clientele are.

I'd be happy to discuss this opportunity further in a brief conversation, as I understand the value of your time. Please let me know if you'd like to schedule a quick call.

I'm impressed that someone I've never met understands the value of my time, since it is entirely unclear to myself. Is there a time that belongs to me, as my property, and which holds value? Could I sell it for money or trade it for gold, and would my time as a result get shortened? Or would my time somehow get transferred to the buyer? Intriguing questions that I would like to ask these PR folks. (Lakoff & Johnson might have better answers.)

Meanwhile, to explore our array of publications, and for comprehensive information on our service offerings and costs, please visit our website.
Thank you for considering this opportunity.
Best regards,
NN

Another journal

Dear Dr. NN,
I am very happy to reach you and inform you about the launch of our new journal *** Scientific Science and Engineering (*SSE), and I am reaching out to invite you to contribute an article.

I can't fully anonymise this splendid title! Is there also a journal of Unscientific Science? I'm curious.

After going through the abstract of your previous article entitled “XXXX: YYYY”, your next unpublished article would have the opportunity to reach a diverse audience and make a meaningful impact in the scientific community. Please share your new article for the first Issue of the journal. [...]

Wow! A meaningful impact on a diverse audience (!) and the scientific community. Wouldn't that be something?

Note: We also request you to join as board member for the journal based on your interest and time feasibility.
We appreciate your immediate response.

Sorry for the delay, and also for responding in this fashion on the smolnet instead of replying directly to your email. Not very often that I'm asked to hop on as a board member, though in a distant past I was one of the founders of a real journal which published real writings, mostly things we and our friends wrote. It was a fun experience, full of long and inefficient editorial meetings at the pub. We may have had some hundred readers, at most. We kept going for ten years, never caring about what our readers might want to read about, always doing it out of some kind of egoistic passion. Then, after ten years, a new editorial team took over and kicked out all of us founders, but at that point we were ready to let go of it anyway. Do you think being a bored member on your journal will be as much fun? Do I get payed per hour?

Next patient, this way please!

Greetings from Adv. Satellite 2024!!!
It is with great pleasure that we invite you to the "2nd Global Congress on Advanced Satellite Communications," which will be held in London, UK.

Cool. I know nothing about advanced satellites and their communications, maybe I could learn a few things about them before I show up at your conference if that's OK with you?

Your abstract titled “XXXX: YYYY” has caught our attention, and we believe your expertise would greatly enrich the discussions at our congress.

Right. Doesn't this prove that the abstract is the most important genre of writing there is? And of course I think your discussions would merit from being enriched, by any means conceivable.

In acknowledgment of your significant contributions to this field, we invite you to join us as a Distinguished Speaker.

Hey, wait a minute, which field are we talking about? Advanced Satellites? Or is it something about my voice quality that makes me a Distinguished Speaker?

We look forward to receiving your response and are hopeful for your gracious presence at the congress in London, UK.

Regrettably, I have to inform you that my presence might not be so gracious after all. Or, to quote Derek Bailey: "Have Guitar; Won't Travel."

Note: If you're interested in participating in this event with partial sponsorship, kindly get in touch with us via email.
Sincerely,
NN

Oh, you are so kind and flattering, inviting me as an Advanced Speaker to your glorious conference or whatever it was. Of course I'd be honored to sponsor your festivities not only partially, but fully, if only I weren't broke!

Yet another one with similar symptoms.

Dear Dr. NN,
Greetings from Adv. Physics 2024!!
We would like to invite you to be a Distinguished Speaker at the "Global Conclave on Advanced Physics; Applications and Scientific Innovations” scheduled to take place in Barcelona, Spain...

OK, now I'm pretty sure it's about my voice quality. Otherwise I think I might be able to distinguish myself from the crowd by not having a clue about advanced physics, applications, or scientific innovations. The Adv Physics also distinguish themselves as a Conclave ... that's supposedly were cardinals go to elect their next pope.

The Adv. Physics 2024 congress will bring together some of the world's leading experts in the fields of physics, chemistry and materials science. [...]

Nice. So, now you have decided that those disciplines are not enough and you want to add pataphysics to the list?

Grace the occasion with your presence. We will be glad to have you with us.
FYI...: If you're interested in participating in this event with partial sponsorship, kindly get in touch with us via email.
Sincerely,
NN

Same thing here as the previous patient. You see, if I sponsor that London event with my non-existent funds, there will be even less to partially sponsor you with, no matter how deserving you are.

Now here's a healthy looking patient.

Dear Dr. NN,
Cheerful greetings from JJJJ.
This is Ms. NN from JJJJ (...) journal. As this is a newly launched journal, we hope this is the right time to approach you for your informative Article submission. Recently I have gone through abstract of your article entitled “XXXX: YYYY” then I realized that it was one of the best Article in this scientific society. So, we would like to take this great opportunity to influence everyone by publishing your new work online.

Hooray! What a terrific abstract that must be. However, I'm curious, what does "this scientific society" refer to? Does it mean that our society as a whole is scientific? Having seen science sceptics and cranks rule the online debates I doubt it. Or is it like some secret society, only that the secret they hide from the rest of society is science itself? And, I ask this not out of false modesty, but do you really think it would be appropriate to let my wild ideas free to influence _everyone_? I mean, assuming you can make everyone notice them simply by publishing them online.

I would like to inform you that JJJJ is going to release [a new issue]. So, we would like to have your new article in our journal. [...]
Note: Submit your CV if you are interested in acting as a board member for the journal.
With Kind Regards,
NN

Of course! I mean, the same goes here as for that other marvelous journal that want me as a bored member. I assume that covers staff meetings payed by the hour with free beer and full editorial freedom in any respect. I'm sure you can offer that. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Next patient please.

Dear Dr. NN,
Greetings from Adv. Physics 2024!!

Only two exclamation marks? I've recently received one that had three. Makes a more vigorous impression, you know. And, oh, I've already treated you.

Rapid publication for the impatient researcher

Dear Author/Researcher,
We are pleased to inform you that JJJJ is going to launch its next issue (August 2024). We would like to invite you to contribute your Research Paper for publication in JJJJ.
The Journal provides a common forum where all aspects of humanities and social sciences are presented.

Excellent. Knowledge is by far too scattered and compartmentalised. But are you sure you shouldn't include just a little engineering, medicine, pure and applied mathematics, and other sciences? It would be much more inclusive that way.

JJJJ publishes original papers, review papers, conceptual framework, analytical and simulation models, case studies, empirical research, technical notes etc.

Cool. But I mostly write poetry these days. Do you publish poems? Please? It's so hard to get poems published by the regular literary publishers these days. You could really make a difference!

Publication frequency: 12 issue per year
JJJJ follows the rapid publication process
Indexing: Crossref, NASA ads, DOAJ, Index Copernicus, Open-J Gate etc.
Acknowledgement of submission: Within 24 hrs
Acceptance notification: After 3-4 Days of submission
Regards
Director General

Acceptance after 3-4 days?? What online forum do you think would survive if their moderators took that long before allowing a user's post to show up? Seriously, with that kind of delay I might as well keep posting to my glog!

One more paper to fill our desperate journal

Dear Dr. NN,
I hope you are doing well.

I'm fine, thanks.

I would like to inform you that we lack one article for the successful release of our latest issue. So, I am contacting you in the hope that you can help our Journal of Textile Science & Fashion Technology (JTSFT) with unpublished articles.

Touching, to say the least. I feel for you. Having to postpone an issue just because you lack an article must be so frustrating. Maybe you haven't fully connected with the vibrant community of Textile Scientists and Fashion Technologists who, I'm sure, eagerly have awaited the existence of your journal. But of course, I'm available to give you a helping hand. What do you say, would you mind publishing a few of my poems? I could write something about broidery, perhaps. Not that I know anything about that.

We are confident that you will be with us in spreading scientific research around the world.
I await your response.
NN

Of course, I'm with you on that! Your letter now contributes to the empirical data about an important trend in the periphery of current academic life.

Greetings!!!

Oh, that incurable patient again.

Yet another invitation to a congress.

This congress is set to gather the pioneers, researchers, and professionals from the world of chemistry, chemical engineering and materials science to engage in discussions on recent breakthroughs, current challenges, and future prospects in these domains.

What about alchemy? I think I'd be able to mumble incoherently about the philosopher's stone and putrefactio, quite recent breakthroughs in the grand scheme of things you know, only some hundred years old.

As a Distinguished Speaker, we kindly request your presence to deliver a talk on the topic of “XXXX: YYYY” during the event. We eagerly anticipate your insights and perspectives on this study.

Of course, since they cite the title of my paper which in fact happens to have a chemical element in its title. Ah, now it all makes sense! And they sure know how to ask for partial sponsorship as if it was an honour to contribute.

Who's next in line?

Lots of stuff going on in China: Six huge conferences, and since they are perhaps not sure which one to invite me to they inform me about all of them at once.

Dear N, N,
The invitation letter is from the mееtіng cοmmіttее, and we want to invite you to аttеnd the scientific mееtіngs by submitting full рареrs or abstrаcts on the topics below. Αttеndees have the opportunity to share their findings, make publication of their results, communicate ideas and network for future scientific and industrial coordination at the mееtіng.
Themes included: Social Sciences, Humanities, Economics, Finance, Applied Mathematics, Information Technology, Civil Engineering, Environmental Engineering, Food Science, Nutrition Engineering, Health, Medicine

Now, most of the conferences appear pretty straight. But how about this one:

2024 9th International Confеrеncе on Social Sciences and Humanities
Subjects: Development Studies, Social Work, Sustainable Development, Public Administration, Postminimalism, Dance, Architecture, Ethnic Relations, etc.

Pretty wild mixture of subjects. I probably could muster to say a few words about dance.

This is your previous рареr's artісlе which impresses ѕchоlars exploring the related area:

They go on to quote verbatim the full abstract of another of my papers which might have a little bit to do with humanities and applied mathematics. But with such broad fields, what topic would be out of scope?

To learn more information, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Yup, always looking for opportunities to learn more information.

2nd Follow Up

Greetings!!!

The Advanced Chemistry World Congress doesn't give up easily.

A Podcast about XXXX: YYYY

Dear Dr. N,
I'm N.N., a representative at [a] podcast service dedicated to supporting researchers like you. I hope you don't mind me reaching out regarding your recent work.

No problem, I'm getting used to it.

Our mission is to amplify research impact by creating engaging podcasts that connect your research with a broader audience.

Yeah, I sometimes listen to Steven Strogatz's podcast at Quanta Magazine. I also have his book on dynamic systems which is mostly too advanced for me. Quanta excels in the kind of popularisation that weaves groundbreaking research results into biographical anecdotes. Their long-winded articles usually manage to convey some vague sense of what the research is about with a minimum of mathematical formulae or technicalities, but it's funny how they often skip from the most elementary facts to the most advanced results. For example, they might explain what a complex number is before presenting some intriguing breakthroughs in complex dynamics and Julia sets.

Have you ever considered creating podcasts for your paper; XXXX: YYYY?

Like, a whole series of podcasts about this single paper? Which, again, is not a terribly complicated piece of research.

We provide three styles of podcast services, designed to enhance the visibility of your work:

So they offer scripted podcasts, interviews, or video podcasts, even "podcast series, ideal for storytelling across three or more episodes."

These services come with associated production costs,

... which far exceed my income so far this year. On a more normal year it might not.

I'd be keen to discuss the potential of creating a podcast to enhance the visibility of your ongoing work. Can we schedule a brief conversation?

Of course. Call me up if you read this.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to speaking with you soon.
IMPORTANT INFORMATION
This email may contain information that is privileged, confidential or otherwise protected from disclosure. It may not be used by, or its contents copied or disclosed to, persons other than the address(ees).

I should put that line in my abstracts too. Just replace "email" by "paper."

That mega-conference complex again

Dear N, N: You Are Invited to Give a Prеѕеntatіon on Your Research Works at the Μееting

One thing that strikes me, apart from the overwhelming number of conferences in virtually all fields of research that they invite me to is, for the lack of a better word, their typography. Here and there they sneak in the cyrillic character ь as replacement for "b" and maybe a subset symbol for "c". I suppose it could happen by and OCR accident, but it might also be used to track quotations.

A new, no, actually an old journal

Kindly take note of the essential information regarding the journal.

A polite but distanced heading, sounds almost like a veiled threat.

Dear respected colleague,
Having carefully examined your previously published research papers available online, we are thrilled to extend an invitation for you to submit any new works for possible inclusion in our prestigious publication, 'J.'

They are not specific about what papers they have carefully examined, nor do they provide any hint of what discipline their journal caters to. Could be interdisciplinary.

Since its inception ... our journal has earned a solid reputation as a highly regarded peer-reviewed periodical in [some country]. 'J' has received numerous accolades and citations over the years for its outstanding content, solidifying its status as a distinguished scientific publication.

They go on bragging about their impact factor (something journals share with meteorites).

Our aim is to offer a rigorous and esteemed platform for the dissemination of valuable research, and we warmly invite you to become a part of our esteemed journal.

Sure thing. But what would happen if each and every researcher you contacted decided to become a part of your esteemed journal?

Please do not reply to this email.

OK. That's why I reply here on the smolnet instead.

And now for a really short video

Hello Dr. N,
I hope this message finds you well. I recently came across your research paper, XXXX: YYYY, and I wanted to introduce you to S*** – a brand developed based on popular demand among academic researchers, designed to transform the way your work is shared.

There you have it: popular demand. Well, I didn't ask for it, but I don't doubt there is a certain demand for this kind of service.

At S***, we specialise in transforming intricate research findings into concise and captivating 60-second video summaries. These summaries are then shared extensively across social channels to maximise the exposure and impact of your research. Our mission is to make your scientific discoveries accessible, engaging, and visually compelling, bridging the gap between academia and a broader audience.

Sounds familiar and kind of reasonable. I think universities should put up signs over the entrances to their auditoriums saying "Mind the gap between academia and the broader audience!"

Why turn your research into bitesize science with S***?






We understand the importance of integrity in science communication and aim to support researchers like you in making a significant impact with your work.

No, actually I think you aim to support more typical researchers, not part time independent outsider researchers like me.

They then go on to push their service which costs just ... more than I've earned this year (excl. VAT). I also wonder how much finnicky detail they'd be able to mangle into the 60 second format. There used to be a concert series called 60x60 with a one hour program of one minute compositions. Miniatures can be fun, and I remember from one of my last conferences they had some speed poster presentations. Because there's so much research (precisely as there is so much music and art and literature ...) and so little time to listen to each other.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to the possibility of collaborating with you.

Oh, you already have!

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