##welcome to my overshare page hehehe
###i have been journaling for many years and so because of this i know that i tend to drone on and on and on about all sorts of things, only some of which make any sense. also, i do not use autocorrect on my phone and can not be bothered to fix typos after i make them usually so they will just be there xoxo. this is somewhat of a memoir page and also just what i am thinking about. i hope you can gain something if you do read it and if you dont read it or gain anything i hope at least you feel that i love you! <3
29june2025
i have functionally nothing to say anymore but also have a lot on my mind. hating the notion of people knowing what is going on in my life and heart unless i have a real mutual trust with them. even on here, i have developed the wall i have with social media in general and social spaces too where i think "and who are you to have earned my private inner world and what are you going to do with it?" truly feeling the weight of my inner world being a piece of my body.
16june2025
due to the loss of income from the tornado, my checking account is like $200 overdrafted this month and that is exactly the kind of thing like mutual aid and crowdfunding would be for but i lack enough self esteem to deem my needs as valuable...classic me moment
also, i believe i may go back to traveling in not too long, and i can tell there is something off-kilter about my mental state because i feel like it is proof that im "lame" that i am not interested in sticking around and becoming "a known member of the scene" here and would rather explore new places, because that makes me feel inspired and connected. like who ever has thought "ugh im too driven by my own personal desire to explore and learn and not interested enough in playing the social game in a place i am unhappy, surrounded by mostly people who do not inspire me emotionally or politically, how uncool" smdh. like, why do i have this notion that i would be worth more if i shrunk myself to become palatable? plus, feeling the need to appease social order is weird and i do not think it is healthy for me to strive for that. wait actually, i just realized why i have the desire to shrink myself to become more palatable. okay. well anyway i think i am leaving soon the plan is being laid on the tracks but requires a few more checkpoints then i will start the motion. i have agreed with myself to decide within the month and begin within the year.
15june2025
surely some thoughts to come. i love flounder user james which rocks. i want to change my name again maybe. feeling completely disconnected from myself and like a person i have never known myself to be. feeling killed. i have always been supremely excited to know people as the primary core of myself. feeling still despondent and like i need to be totally isolated for a period of time. hmmm. i love you, though.
13june2025
my first flounder post from desktop...cool. i am having a lazy at-home day. i have been having a lot of those lately after a stretch of several months where i had none of them at all. so, i am feeling good about it. last night i let myself be too tired to walk from my couch to my bed for a while. i love that feeling since it reminds me that i have a home where no one is going to hurt me. i have not had moments that felt that way since winter of 2022, which were some of the first moments i had ever felt that in my life. i would stay up until 5 or 6 am most days because i loved the feeling of peace in isolation. my first several months that i lived in my current city of residence, i had no job and no drivers license and no friends (save for online ones) and it was really a uniquely special time in my life. i would sit on the floor of my bedroom, next to the baseboard heater and watch shameless for 13 hours straight day after day and it was miraculous how no one ever hurt me it was extremely foreign to me and i loved it. i would usually be falling asleep when the sun rose and waking up just before it set.
yesterday, i was on the phone with my longest best friend, who is much more like a sibling than anything else by this stage, and i was telling them how the other day i was about to intro reading a writing piece and as i was thinking up my opening monologue, i realized i had re-invented the wheel of the definition of ptsd. i was like "hmm it is kinda like when you are crossing the street and you almost get hit by a car and you have this really odd sensation for the rest of the day, like that amplified. like, my life was so scary and now i feel like the almost getting hit by a car thing but all the time" it was a real facepalm moment of like "bro..." when i was telling aforementioned bestie about it we were laughing and doing a riff about how i was so foolish to have not realized i had this idea that ptsd was kinda like a one and done, like, once you got it that it could not be worse. not that i actively thought this, but in hindsight i at least passively believed it and that is clear in the way i have behaved for the past [all] years of my life. the way the two of us were joking about it was as though i broke my arm a second time before the first break had healed and was trying to convince the doctor and myself that it can't be worse the more times you break it, that it is just in a state of either broken or not broken while the dr is shocked and aghast trying to explain to me that breaking it twice is a mounting issue and i may never use my arm again. sometimes i am so willful, sitting in between ignorance and obliviousness. which, is frustrating for a person like me who never stops thinking all day every day to a fault that negatively affects what it is like to be around me.
speaking of, yesterday after hanging out with my friends, they said that if i overthink how i behaved and talked, assuming i was too weird and they all hated that i was talking and what about, that *then* they would be mad, which was helpful. though, i recognize how the thought spiral stems from the shame and discomfort *i* have around the fact that all i can ever think and talk about lately is trauma. i feel so trapped. i thought if i finally left my abuser it would just be no time until i was back to my old self, i mean, come on, my old self was traumatized...breaking the bone again couldn't have made it worse. a broken bone is a broken bone, right? it is just like it was before, right?
p.s. this is a message to flounder user punkreflex: i am really looking forward to you reading this post, i anticipate you will enjoy the bone metaphor. we were talking about when we have writing we feel proud of and i think eventually i will coalesce that metaphor into something i am grateful to myself for forming
2june2025
2j 2j 2j i like the way that looks :)
feeling insane. neeeeed to re-read that krakauer book i keep talking about. the rape survivor subreddit is such a demonic place of misery and i can relate to so many of the things people have to say on there.
when i was young (a child, in my years even before my teens), i was in situations where i would have to call the police on the adult caretakers around me, in order to save my life or theirs or both. specifically i am referring to violence in the home, not just like some accident or an injury. amongst many factors, these encounters were what radicalized me against the police. usually, they would come into the home, say something along the lines of "well i do not see anyone hurting anyone right now and the adults all said to me that they will calm down now." a childhood friend of mine had a father who would beat her, her mother, and her brother with such frequency that the police gave them a notice that if they called them again they would not show up and would fine the family if the calling continued. the police would say they never saw the father hurting any of them or holding them at gunpoint like they claimed and they would only take action if they personally witnessed it. i kept documentation of that paperwork they had sent to my friend and her mother for years in a public place online (with her request/permission) because i was afraid that if her father killed one or all of them that the police would pretend none of this ever happened.
once, at around 15 or so, i was woken up to loud fighting and my [parent] loudly and frantically telling me to barricade myself in my room. when i called the police on this man who had prior to this beaten my [parent] so bad that it broke her ribs, and this was not the first time in my childhood a man broke the ribs of that parent and i had to handle the situation. it took what felt like forever for anyone to come, once they arrived the police said there was no fight occurring that they saw, and that the man in question had agreed to calm down. he lied, obviously. i had to spend a lot of that night curled into a ball and pressed against the door with all my might while my [parent] screamed that he would likely kill me if he could get into my room.
it is fascinating the distinction in rhetoric from those politically radicalized through lived experience and those radicalized through getting a college degree and reading theory written by people who were radicalized through getting a college degree and through gaining sanitized ideas through political infographics posted and reposted on social media website whichever dot com.
everyone close to me at this stage of my life has been impacted by sexual and/or physical violence at some point in their life. there are less than 10 people close to me and all of us feel a degree of isolated that i can hardly handle inside of my body if i allow myself to picture the scope of it.
cool. think im gonna turn into gasoline as a result of stress.
29may2025
when i return home from work and my appointment, i must decide between cleaning my apartment which is a need and resting some which is also a need. i have the day off work tomorrow which means i will be doing tornado relief work. so, i need both a clean apartment and some rest. pizza party with flounder user bigassbug in the evening tomorrow tho, i have a surprise planned sorta. love u.
28may2025
my mental return to a new Big Life Plan. maybe after i hike the applachian trail, then spend the winter in maine, i will take my descent to brazil. maybe this. thoughts? this sounds grandiose, but i am prone to fulfilling my grandiose desires. maybe instead i could [redacted]. see ya soon (perhaps tonight at the kerr)
27may2025
i wrote a very politically focused poem yesterday and i felt like it sucked bc i thought maybe it was too overtly political in a way that was stupid, but i have read it to two people and they both loved it, so maybe i will consider the possibility that it might be good... hmmmm ....i may read it publicly so if you hear it and hate it then feel free to throw tomatoes at me i guess... at work rn...flounder ass location,, we love to swim at work... damn add that shit to the ffa lol i love being silly. i finally moved forward the process of sending my exfiance her switch back in the mail. i have been petrified that she was mad at me about it taking so long (three years literally) but she wasn't mad and i told her i was excited to text with her more now that the mental load has been lightened. i place a lot of my anxiety on the relationship between us, but she is always really reassuring that she just wants me to have a happy life. many things in life i enjoy.
26may2025
the journey of me being horribly depressed continues, feel free to ignore it though bc like it seems it will not be passing anytime soon. i am back to work this week from being out due to the tornado. picked up an extra shift too to recoup some losses. im mad about some work stuff but it is impossible to explain. i want to relapse so bad that it is all i can think about despite many other major and time sensitive etc things going on in my life. one of my best friends has also been on the verge of giving up lately and they are the person who pulled me back from the brink a few months ago, but their optimism has turned into saying they had been naive and i was right to be so afraid that i give up. not sure what to do with all that, perhaps nothing is worth it but i am lying to us both and pretending it will all be okay. things are actually so bad and so scary and i see far too many of the "progressives" around me clinging tighter to the status quo than ever. it is so frightening and i become more and more disaffected with the "social scene" and also broader society around me by the day. i love my neighbors, though. i love to care for my elders. i want everyone fed and that is all i can be brought to care about. i want to engage with "hanging out in the scene" but find that it increasingly forces me to play blind to the terror we live in, in order to be palatable, likeable, and even just plain welcomed.
keep having a lot of "ooooh getting raped ruined my life and psyche" moments which from what i understand is the normal fallout from that, but for some reason i thought i was gonna be different...hmmm...
25may2025
after days of being locked out of my acct...i have returned thank fuck
18may2025
i <3 coughing up black chunks
17may2025
tornado go brrr on life thank u to those who have been giving me a place to stay a guy out on the street grilled me the best salmon of my life
16may2025
note to self, st louis needs more bands with letters starting in E, I, Q, U, and X.
brainstorming here:
e-
ephemeral arch
equix
evaporator
easy listening band
i-
iconic listening band
iquex
iffy feelings
i love saint louis the band
icy tremor
ivermectin
q-
quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
quiet shake
quest
quisp cereal
quick listening band
quexi
u-
upskirt jammers
unearthing the brick road via sinkhole
unimaginable death (this one could be a metal band)
unpleasant listening band
user of flounder
x-
xylophone
xylophone listening band
xique
Xx_deathO.okitten_xX
feel free to post any more great ideas you all have :D
15may2025
wrote the date wrong yesterday wtf, i fixed it tho. today my boss scheduled me and my irl bestie who works with me to be alone together all day, which he previously said he would not allow. big win. it was sooo pleasant and made the day rock. tbh it is so hot out today i think i would have perished without that saving grace...bros i hate the heat fr. i feel a lot better today thanks for all ur love sorry that sometimes i am scary and odd, it will continue as i try my best to earnestly and fearlessly bear my soul on my secret webpage and beyond (in my real life). friendship is everything. love forever am i right?! saw a big jumping spider today it was soooo cute. did not cry during the intro to csh cosmic hero today, big win. also shout out to mask request at csh shows. been talking with my co-booker about booking some masks required shows so that was cool inspo to see it from someone w a big voice like damn awesome. health, safety, and togetherness are all sooooo awesome. kisses!
14may 2025
i actually want addiction to win i actually want addiction to kill me i actually want to surrender myself away from the unknown state of humanity i actually want to be taken away from myself this whole self determination thing i have been doing these past few months is horrifying i love to surrender to harm in order to escape living and its misery and like i am part of the problem because i actually want addiction to kill me xoxoxo
okay sorry for posting like this again but like this is just me okayy so like thats the way it is
my birthday went really well and i feel the love despite being so depressed right now and dont worry i am not behaving in self destructive ways because i know better and i think my normal life will feel safe in time it is so out of the ordinary for me that i feel soooo discontented. i am very much so not used to this, i am for the first time breaking my cycle of jumping from horrifying situation to horrifying situation and lemme tell you i am craving some horror to drown out my own discomfort. avoidance through terror. i am used to keeping a tiger with me at all times so i always know what to fear. i am highly dysfunctional. dating someone who isnt harming me is really confusing and foreign to me. i am genuinely disturbed by how different it is, because i am forced to face how bad things were before and how used to it i am. they are right about that whole seeking comfort in what you are used to thing, and the inverse is proving to be true. i feel so empty with nothing to fear. i miss the tiger and the overwhelm disguised as certainty it brings. breaking the cycle grrr. okay i love you
11may2025
grrr i am so stressed out today. i hate sundays. ugh. tire popped overnight...grr
8may2025
flounder user gaysexmalibu and i have had the honor of seeing each other a lot the past few days. once again, a friend who amazes and grounds me. in many superficial/personality ways they remind me of my ex-fiance, who i always wished had just been my friend instead of us trying to be lovers, so it feels kind of like a full circle thing in life. strange blessings come to find us every day, dont they? i love having friends who are as off-beat and eccentric as myself, it feels freeing. i hate feeling like someone is watching my every move, which i do feel when i am hanging around people who i can tell are off-put by my odd nature. even if it isnt that person judging me per se, it is like there is a big eye staring at me. i am a fucking strange guy, this can not be stopped or denied. so it is like...fine when someone thinks i am weird, but it still makes me insecure because i am human and have limits.
been thinking nonstop about rape-culture. might read missoula rape and the justice system in a college town by jon krakauer again but then again i think it will make me cry a lot but also then again if it does then i need it to. flounder user james has been offering me to read sexual abuse books from his personal library since he is a book rockstar, but i am scared to unpack it all i feel like my body is gonna be sooooo mad when i try to unravel the impacts sexual violence has left on me, but like the body keeps score soooo it will be worse if i continue to ignore it. the conditions have felt so wrong due to the whole thing with the society hating rape victims more than rapists...perhaps i have to carve space for myself or else i will rot away. okay sorry. are u mad at me ? (that last thing was a joke)
7may2025
been feeling a mounting sense of dread these past few days. give up one thing for everything, give up everything for one thing. addiction moment.
mitski's working for the knife am i right. does my blood bring something? i am often pulling myself out for others to show them something inside that i know they need, and the inclination is often true. purpose, purpose, purpose!? what is purpose?!!! growing up christian i was taught that everyone has their specific purpose, their way to serve their community and thus god and i think sometimes that vulnerability is my purpose but i fucking hate it !!!! whatever, i think my life is a wash. it will never not be a horror story, so i might as well wear myself on the outside, make it belong to everyone.
sorry if i am being odd and concerning today. i am scared about it being my birthday soon. i am scared about isolation. i am scared about addiction. i am scared of giving up everything for one thing.
i have been listening to the Suck It And See album on repeat.
2may2025
been feeling like my Second Name is being overused.. i miss my regular name...my dad gave me that one and every time i hear it i am reminded of the gift he gave me by being my dad. i always want to make him proud. currently at work...i want to be in my garden...straight up it is like medicinal to have my hands in sacred soil. wearing shorts at work and my legs and hands are stained with mud...do u think the people can tell i love my garden ???????
1may2025
now it is may. may u all be blessed, may u all grow with the sun's bright rays and the cloud's soft moisture, may u all find something to continue living for every day exponentially. i have been wanting to respond to the ffa prompts this week, but for some reason the "logout" button is not working for me currently on flounder... she has spoken ... stay home pupdog01. does anyone else agree that flounder is a woman? not important, just speaking to my truth and looking for company...
i am going to set out hiking the appalachian trail in early march of 2027, im not even kidding, u will see me do it. manifesting or whatever...it will be done. northbound, because it is a lifelong dream of mine to visit maine, georgia means nothing to me, so it will not be a motivating enough place for me to strive towards. my hometown is around the middle of the trail, so when i reach there i will probably have some kind if grand epiphany of my life, i imagine. i remember meeting the thru-hikers as a young kid and thinking they were the most fascinating people ever, i would ask them questions as long as they would have the time to humor a young curious townie along their journey...i need to hike it for young me, i have said for years i want to do it before i am 30. so, 2027 is my goal year. seems a safe amount of time to prepare.
i am really scared about my birthday this year. please bring cake to my pinball birthday party if you can, i think the hope of cake will ease and soothe my spirit.
28april2025pt2
counting some of my blessings incoming:
i got a really epic bird sighting on the guided birdwalk and everyone on the tour was so proud and impressed, the guest chef at the private dinner event that i am the server of said it is easy/felt good to be around me (this made me convinced of this truth bc that is like the 10th person to say this to me unprompted and unrelated in the past 2 months so i will accept this kind truth), showed my buddy my boobs when he was having a bad day and it made him smile and it was a real sitcom moment and i love sitcom moments, i find it easy to tackle all the close relationship i have currently we are holding hands with all our pain and love and all of the other things in between and the stuff outside of either end, life proves me right in the good ways and wrong in the right ways basically constantly lately, the people close to me are like magic...and i think we are onto something..., the host of the private dinners said when they envision the future of the project i am there and that it makes them happy, an older woman who i respect a lot in my life told me she has so much to learn from me ...
okay my break at work is over and this isnt like totally separate from my earlier post it is to say there is so much and it is all interlinked perhaps inseparable
...oh yeah!! and pinball club !!!!! :D
28april2025
trauma post incoming:
written and deleted this topic/post several times...i am feeling the weight of you all knowing who i am, the people say "make a flounder burner" but i feel like my written voice is too obvious and that feels overwhelming and disingenuous to my story being mine. please just pretend i am still anonymous whenever i post really horrifying stuff, i guess.
hanging out with my one friend who was one of the few people i was close with in this current city i reside before meeting my abuser is like genuinely mortifying. i feel like that relationship stripped away irreplaceable parts of myself, and i am so scared they will not love me anymore, love this person who has been carved out and re-shaped. it feels similar to trying to talk to someone you have a desperate crush on "please like me please please please" and i turn into a shy and stilted idiot in the social interaction.
also, i am feeling so ...something i can not quite even name... about the fact that i spent sooooo long feeling so much blame and fault for the things that happened to me, so sure that actually i was this harmful and scary person, so terrible that i was tricking everyone into believing that i wasn't horrible, all without even knowing i was doing it. it felt like since my ex was the only person who was describing and convincing me that i was this delusional and unreasonable and horrible person, that it must mean they were the only one who actually knew me, hence why i stayed and went back and even begged to be there and to be let in, because it felt like if they were gone then there would be no one left who knew me. they would tell me all of my friends only loved me because i had tricked them, and my insistence that i had always been honest with my friends about myself and my behaviors and who i am and my feelings etc, was only further proof that i was "too far gone" and that i was like so delusional that it was scary. and like i still am trying to figure out how to deal with that!!! the more positive reinforcement that the people trying to get me out gave me, the more distance i would create from those people, feeling like they were part of some plot to trick me into evil. whatever whatever like its all gobbledegook.
"pupdog01 why are you droning on about this again?" you may ask... simple answer, takes up like 85% of my brain and i want it out!!! so often when i do talk about it, the specifics make people really upset and disgusted and i hate that!! so instead im like "oh okay i guess i will hold the worst parts inside"
yesterday, i was driving home from a beautiful birdwatching excursion with my best friend (one of the 8 queerplatonic life partners i keep mentioning), and i was suddenly stuck with Even More and i was like "FUCK i just wanna talk about this or else i am just sitting with this in me" and then i am like "oh yeah several people who know about my flounder page have also said and/or done really fucking disgusting and hurtful things irt how i am not a true victim of my abuse and they think i should blah blah blah" and im like can i have my own autonomy soon please? any men wanna give me permission to have autonomy???
like, why am i sitting around remembering how my ex would use [my state of residence] not having legal abortion against me to both tell me about how they intended to, and then actively attempting to impregnate me against my will stating it would "turn them on" and they will "drive me overstate to get the abortion eventually" despite women going to prison for circumventing abortion laws in such ways ... and then me now feeling like "oh well i can not talk openly about that because both people who love me will have to know that happened to me which i do not want because i know it would hurt me to hear that happening to someone i love, and people who claim to care about me who have absolutely no scope of how they would handle abuse like that telling me how they think i should try being friendly with or around this person because they think thats right" so like ...anyways i just decide to keep as much of it to myself as i can muster which is not very much, because the me who used to live inside of me has been carved out and this is who lives here now...at least for now... so i hope my old friends still love me !!!! even though there is not much of *me* (whoever that is) left in here. or so it feels. clawing clawing clawing.
26april2025
is flounder looking like this rn my fault somehow ?? :( how can fix???
24april2025
overstimulated at work right now ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH am i right lol B-)
started my period like 3 days ago and yesterday i could tell my hormones were in an evil way ... terrible ... doubled my dose today and this solved the issue of feeling insane yesterday. still overstimulated tho but i gotta pick my battles.
garden at girlfriend's house is soooo close to done being planted ....... then like what do i do with my life?? except for the overwhelming list of other responsibilities i have ... hmm..... much to consider. i am feeling a little Stretched Thin this week since my schedule was already So Full that i was not sure i was gonna be able to handle it all...then three big and time sensitive things came up last minute ...baka... no sleep for me i guess please send gas money @ everyone in south city who wants me anywhere in the next three weeks ... u owe me big time buckos .... with love tho fr
21april2025
yesterday, while on the phone with one of my besties i was a real asshole...these things do happen. egg on my face, and feeling a hopefully healthy level of guilt over my unkind words ... another day, another set of new things to be learned. i apologized via electronic message, but hopefully i will be able to apologize in human connection soon. having this many Very Close Friends is awesome, but it is also the same level of emotional complexity as having like 8 romantic partners. is this how The Polyamorists feel? sometimes i ask "why do i have more complicated interpersonal relationship events than many of the people i know?" and then i remember that most people i know are also always like "flounder user pupdog01 how do you manage having this many friends, i have like two friends and my partner" (generalized paraphrase to explain a general phenomenon/reoccurring social encounter i have). more specific example this morning my one friends at work saying to me "well i don't have any friends outside of work". le challenging queerplatonic moment...i do have 8 partners essentially. even still, i was a bitch last night, i feel bad, i will work to make it known that i am sorry, i hope i can learn to be better from this exchange.
20april2025
i moved my earlier post to my transgender posting page since it was a transgender post...lol
i had a great flounder user james day yesterday as per usual. best day of the week! what is a saturday? idk that word... the week goes sunday monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday jamesday... all flounder users i encourage the adoption of this into your daily language, so we can start working on our founder dialect. we deserve such things. i planted many seeds in my lady's garden this isnt a joke and is about the actual garden. i have this coworker who is 19 (and she is like cartoonishly 19 /positive, it is extremely endearing and floods nostalgia into my brain whenever she talks to me about her life) and she is my Work Friend and last week she asked me what i was doing after work and i said "going over to my girlfriend's house to garden" and she thought i was saying i was going over to smoke pot and i was like no child i mean i am going to tend to the earth with my treasured woman companion i would simply never say something so sacred as "going to garden" if i were merely going to smoke pot......smdh (that was all lighthearted sass, it was simply a funny reflection of our Very Different Lives since i am a grown woman and she is a young woman). in fact, she reminds me SOOO MUCH of myself when i was her age and so i am actually very patient and kind with her both outwardly and inside my head, because i try to give her the exact Older Coworker Guidance that i know would have been beneficial to me (and was bc thankfully i had many older coworkers who had my back when i was 18-20).
i went on that tangent for longer and then erased it bc the jist of what i was saying is that it is cool to be reflecting on how i am always moving closer to grown and that is a fun thing to witness.
anyway...i planted a bunch of seeds and it was only some of the seeds. flounder user moldgold222 gave me some seeds (tomato and marigold) and then i also got even more from the store after our encounter, so the next three weeks will be me Going To Town on the plant beds. gf's house has no joke like 14 of the most well maintained raised plant beds i have ever worked in from the last woman who lived there who was a major gardener. thank you to that woman for the gift of her garden...my life is severely up as a result.
at work, toddler sobbing begging to go home and their mother is screaming at them demanding they "shut up" and "stop now" instead of doing literally anything else that isnt abusive parenting and so as a result i died instantly
19april2025
sending a diabolical amount of animal reels in instagran dms to my bestest of friends while laying in my gf's bed (she is at work). i had a bunch of nightmares last night but it was ok because that is a frequent occurrence so i was like damn what a classic me moment. me and the lady found a tiny and perfect snake in the garden yesterday. i sent a photo of the snake to my dad, which was awesome, that guy rocks. two friends called me the past two nights in a row (one on each night) to talk through their hard nights they were having and i was like oh yes besties please share ur innermost souls w me my love for you is never ending ... i was here at gf's house the past two nights so i feel like she is really getting the flounder user pupdog01 experience of "sorry brb gotta talk on the phone w my loved one for an hour xoxo" which is honestly like?? so beautiful to me...whoa. shout out to flounder user miami buttsex or whatever the heck you named it and also non-flounder-user My Best Friend. i love when my friends call me to tell me about their hearts and days...god blessed me.
18april2025
think i am entering an era where i am a retired scenster? i am over the things that are not magically fulfilling ...
15april2025
guys at this point if i woke up one day and my whole day from start to finish wasnt filled out in my planner do you think it would kill me or something? im sure acting like it ...
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i have spent my entire life, due to trauma (etc), truly believing that i am like notably horrible. and simultaneously incredibly underwhelming. thinking that i am so remarkably average except that i am also stupid and selfish and pathetic and etc etc stuff that isnt important (or healthy) to list. as of late, i am finally turning a whole tree of new leaves on my personal healing journey and have reached some conclusions that are so overtly positive that they come with a well of grief, oddly enough. due to having been raised in a chaotic, violent, and abusive household, i have lived much of my life as a solid textbook example of: "reoccurring abusive relationships (platonic, romantic, and otherwise) due to seeking what i know, due to it feeling familiar and comfortable, as well as reflecting my understanding of myself back at me, causing me to feel safe and seen since it doesn't shake up my view of myself and the world around me." it is vulnerable to mention my long history in this regard due to the social stigma around people having the view that if someone has been in several harmful circumstances that they must be The Harmful One, which is a sentiment that rattles around in my ocd-riddled brain who is constantly looking for reasons to prove that i have been abused because i "deserved it." granted, i am accepting ownership over the willing, even enthusiastic, waltz straight into situations so harmful that it is almost cartoonishly obvious. like, in this regard, this pattern is my-pattern. to elaborate, i by no means mean to imply i am a victim of god's will, rather that i have consistently put my own self into harm's way, which has been a major cause of the way my life has turned out.
from all of this, is a lot of where my LOW self-esteem has developed. and so, as my loved ones (who are so kind i will never be able to see the end of the bounty) have been witnessing me break free little by little from these self-deprecating narratives, they have been bombarding me with love and validation and descriptions of me as they understand me. and it is like...clearly not only am i not horrible...i may even be...someone really special even? which, my mind and body are absolutely raging against me to admit. i feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself to speak highly of me. isnt that so odd? i think my friends are so intelligent and keen and trustworthy and yet, when they tell me how safe i make them feel, and how amazed by me they are, and how they haven't found anyone like me before, and how their lives have changed for the better from knowing me, and that i am "love made sentient" (exact quote!!), etc etc etc the list goes on, my brain tries to convince me that my value must the the single blind spot of allll these people that i am otherwise amazed by and trust and respect! i guess it is just a challenging pill to swallow that beyond me generically "not sucking" or not being just the worst ... i am having to face that i am actually awesome!? and valuable, and special, and smart, and i am a person who brings a lot to the people who encounter me ??? do i sound as delusional and conceited and disgusting as i feel saying that? please respond if you desire to, this question is not rhetorical. i just wanna be sure...lol...i am such an unsteady and uncertain person
i think, something that has held me back from adopting these beliefs about myself is because if i am harmful/abusive/shitty and take to heart that i am actually someone who is good, then i will never stop hurting people, in fact i would probably hurt people worse with a self and world view like that...and the people around me are all so amazing, they do not deserve to be close with someone who is hurting them. this life is so hard and everyone deserves solace to be found in their connections. i want to be a force for good, because it is the only thing i can do to make some part of this world good and safe and happy and fulfilled and that is an effort that is worth it. i am always sooo focused on growth and love and compassion because i should be! but then, i also can not do my best job possible at this mission if i am thinking negative thoughts about myself unnecessarily. that will make me more selfish, that will blind me, that is unkind, and it will be in my way. the most important thing in the world to me is to bring as much love and safety as i can muster. the guarantee of suffering is often far greater than the guarantee for peace, joy, and safety. but, these things can also be created, and life can be changed piece by piece through the cultivation of positive change for yourself and your loved ones, i believe.
i probably sound insane...this is my most personal and the hardest to publish flounder post to date.
i love my friends, i mean it! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
whenever parents at my job are talking to their children like they are dogs and not human people i want to vomit right onto the parents and if you are my job reading this then be real when parents are abusive especially in public it is disgusting there is no need to be mad at me for expressing myself
14april2025
i hope my instagram joke from last night landed. it was prompted by me reading my pharmacy post to my longtime bff who isnt on flounder and they were like "thats so funny you should post it on your ig story" and i was like... thats blasphemous...
currently bored at work and hungry. lunch is soon, bestie is gonna cover my lunch break here at work and my lunch is leftovers from the dinner she cooked last night... okay life is beautiful...
pinball is tonight, and i went through my texts with flounder user bigassbug this week to determine the first club meeting was january 27th. so much to be grateful for. also any and all pinball related announcements will only be here. fuck the hoes on instagram i only care about flounder.
tbh pinball has become one of the greatest passions in my life. like, i think about it and talk about it A Lot and i am locked tf in on this as a part of my life now and genuinely want it to be something that stays a part of my life long term.
spiraling questions in my heart today: am i literally stupid? what do i provide? do i give as much as i am gaining, when i am always receiving so much (emotionally, materially, spiritually, etc)? do my friends feel my love? am i a good friend? am i going to regret the person i am right now?
i love flounder!
13april2025
flounder user james is so kind and intelligent and empathetic it is life changing.
fuck the hoes on instagram i only care about flounder.
12april2025
my crush is my girlfriend now. also i finally sent that text to the person who sent me an apology text that i have been mentioning. in their apology they mentioned they imagine that in my shoes they would be hurt and mad so in my response i was like "yes, i am hurt and mad and if you want to rebuild trust and a friendship with me, then you will have to put in work for that." in more articulate and long-winded words. but also that i am open minded and hopeful to forgive them in time and with that work. which i mean sincerely. my therapist was the only person i ran the message by before sending it, which was a practice in trusting myself about my ability to articulate myself confidently. she said she thinks i am finally starting to move away from self-abandonment...thank god. thats awesome and i agree. shit rocks even though it sucks...me and my loved ones are climbing up a giant hill together and gaining all the skills to move higher and faster together. fuck. blessed.
10april2025
whenever i get caught up on reading the flounder posts from the last 12 hrs im like "okay my turn :)" started my transgendered medication again today, but if you are cis and reading this please do not ever speak of it im being fr. only trans people may mention me being on hrt again and cis people can mention it if i give them express permission. and also transmeds are the most not allowed to talk about it. these are my transgendered feelings.
planned a date night with my crush that is two weeks out and we have a date night planned for the upcoming wednesday. dates! being allowed to go on actual dates with the person i am dating is kinda revolutionary in my life ... i am mr low bar. although, crush is exceeding my low bar by a marginal amount so far so that is nice. i wish i had better self esteem though, i want to have a high bar!!! for years, requesting a date night meant A Disaster Would Occur and until i would simply stop making such requests, so im like :D yay i hope this is awesome. i wanna pick her flowers but not sure where i am not an asshole if i pick the flowers ya know i dont wanna be an asshole. last time we had a Date Day planned i barfed everywhere and fuckin shidded like no ones business so our whole day kinda reoriented. i wonder if it was my body having a trauma response to my general feelings around Going On A Date, because i didnt seem to be sick with an illness, since i stopped throwing up and shitting pretty early in the day. crush took really good care of me the whole day, and even surprised me by going out and buying me legos while she was grabbing me gatorade. wtf. very sweet girl. to those in the know i would like to cite what happened last january when i had the kidney infection :| ... right right ......... any way .
i have been trying to walk with all my baggage, the strong mouse like my beloved life partner friend would say.
speaking of, today in the car i was thinking "if i take to heart the kind things my loved ones say about me will that mean i have become evil? will i go to hell for that? will it be proof my character has degraded? does believing it make it become suddenly untrue?" ocd is fucking insane and stupid. i am so convinced of the dumbest shit. trauma go brrrr.
im scared you guys don't like my flounder posts anymore now that i am not in a trauma state bc im less incoherent and esoteric due to not being confused and dissociated all the time. maybe you are all beginning to find me boring and annoying. (post edit: this paragraph was the first sign i need to eat lunch...lol)
to be clear though, i am actually in an amazing mood today and the second hrt meds enter my body my mood instantly boosts like 1000% every time without fail wtf thats awesome and magic.
also, i wrote a rough draft of the reply to the person who apologized to me the other day, and once i get approval from my therapist on the message (at my request not her demand) then i will send the text. they sent their apology close to a week ago at this point, but i believe i am allowed to take my time in responding so i articulate myself correctly and with care. my hope is that we will meet up to talk about it. this is someone i have known a few months now and who i generally have hoped to become better friends with, so perhaps this will be an opportunity for growth for us both.
okayyy i might delete some of this later possibly bc im feeling kinda annoying...upon typing that i realize i think i am just hungry and it probably isnt half as annoying as i feel... but i love you all still!!!!
post lunch: feeling much less blergh after lunch (duh). i decided to keep in all of my pre-lunch mopey weirdness to remain vulnerable about some of how it sounds in my brain when i am feeling anxious and insecure. perhaps someone will find some value in this...
9april2025
my prescription was $100 im gonna puke my dr told me it was gonna be $35 :(
but anywhooo today was pretty cool i finally filed my taxes HUGE weight off my shoulders! and got to see one of my besties play music yay :3 and i hung out w my manager most of the day which was great bc he is my friend even tho we only hang at work. xoxo glub glub go flounder
7april2025
good morning blorble blorble (is that the sound a fish would make?)!!! <3 when people mention pinball club on flounder i ascend into the heavens due to being so filled with love and affection for my friends that i become a balloon essentially. today punkreflex receives their membership card...idi has only one more visit. huge moves. i finally have a list of all current card carrying members and it totals to 14. holy cow. friendship is magic just like those ponies taught me.
last night i received one of the most heartfelt and actionable apologies from a friend who hurt me and a few of my friends very deeply. they are also apologizing to the involved friends as well. this is related to the aforementioned healing walk we all took to clear our hearts a bit. i have not yet responded, because it was just last night (while at work) and i close>opened at work last night into this morning, so i have obviously not had the time to process all my feelings into a coherent response. i may ask them to meet up in person to talk it out so we can be face to face and perhaps even hug about it. i am inclined to accept the apology with a bit of caution and time and if they follow through on the things they said in it as well. i understand that life is hard and sometimes we make mistakes, and like i said, i truly can not remember a time someone went to this extent to apologize to me ever before. i am still pretty hurt and angry in this moment, but am also moving into the stage of forgiveness, and want to process and move past my hurt. perhaps i will reply after talking it through with my therapist.
also, i love flounder. i was commenting last night to a fellow flounderer that it reminds me of my favorite part of the mental hospital, which is that somehow everyone sheds the societal expectations of how much sharing is "too much" and instead speak freely about their hearts and minds. this is way cheaper than the psych ward, just gotta pay my internet bill.
6april2025
another month now...phew...the passage of time... i took a several hours long walk in the middle of the night with three of my most trusted companions. we took a snack break in the middle. we saw a couple fighting in the street, someone almost hit me with their car, we saw a lone block on the sidewalk (i took a blurry photo of it), we ate pizza (during the snack break), we walked through a giant graveyard, we crossed two bridges, i picked flowers, we played on a playset at a park, we sat at a public restroom, we talked about dying while walking back on the big bridge, we followed desire, we listened to a mocking bird, we saw a giant worm, we talked about feet, we all hugged, i slept on the couch of a flounderer. the walk lasted from around 10pm to around 3am. we have all been processing some shared trauma, so it was really valuable. i havent taken a long walk at night like that since i lived in seattle. my old friends (from before i moved here) and i used to do it fairly often, so it was like a magic nostalgia adventure and also something entirely new and special in the new life i live now. the passage of time am i right.
i was at a party last night, hosted by our very own punkreflex, and i had a lot of fun, and in addition, was at points shot straight through the head with the existential memory that time is in fact moving, i feel this way any time i am in a room with two specific friends of mine because they were the people i was hanging out with when i had got shot with this existential bullet of "whoa i *live* in saint louis now, time has passed and so has location, and these are all new people, and i am here" so i feel like i am tied to that moment in time, and get pulled into a vortex that connects me now and me then and many of the moment in between as well. it is really fascinating that i know people and they know me and things change and stay the same and change and change and change and for every ten things that stay the same a thousand things change and i want to show and learn more every day. so if i seemed awkward at the party it is because i was thinking about that LOL. but actually that only lasted the first 30 min or so because then i walked up to bigassbug and was like "whyyy am i so awkward" and they were all "omg we are all awkward, look around, you are literally so normal right now if there was a class on being normal and you were the teacher, then id take that class" and like literally i just wasnt anxious about being weird the rest of the night...love wins. i have never had better or closer friends in my life. i am struggling to cope with everything right now, both the scary stuff and the miracles. life has been stranger than fiction lately.
p.s. referred to flounder as "my friends and i's secret website" to someone i did not want knowing toooo much about flounder...
30march.2025
for a couple of hour this morning i felt delirious, dissociated, and filled to the brim with existential dread. this is a way i feel on a regular basis and surely there is something "messed up" with me because i find these times to feel quite good generally, at least from a sensation standpoint. it is like free drugs. when i was still taking drugs, i preferred hallucinogens and deliriants to uppers or downers. what can i say, i just love nonsense. anywho, in my times where i feel like i did today, it is like im walking around cozy and safe and like god is telling me things, too. it is just pure comforting bliss. then the pressure changed when the storm clouds passed and the feeling went away. perhaps i enjoy it since dissociation is also something that my body does when i am in traumatic situations, so the feeling is associated with "i am safe in here, in my house, safe inside, safe inside my house" type thoughts/feelings.
i am grateful for self reflection, i am grateful for the passage of time, i am grateful every day that life changes. whenever i am provided, by life, an intersection where i have to decide to be the person others have been to me or the person i needed them to be, and i get to be kind, it is a blessing. i fucking love showing up for kindness and compassion and joy. i love joy. top one human experiences...i am calling joy greater than love perhaps? at least, for me.
26march.2025
my crush said she is worried bc i am burning the candle at both ends, in response to which, one of my besties said i am "burning the candle at ends [i] didn't even know existed" and unfortunately this is accurate. so, if at any point i seem short or distant with anyone this is why. the experience of re-explaining my trauma to almost everyone i know has been extremely degrading and i keep feeling like i can not do it anymore and then i have to do it more. i wish i was allowed to send everyone my therapist's phone number instead. i love minecraft tho. we persist and live to see another day.
24march.2025
changed my date format to the right way again. it is that time of year where my nose has turned into a god damnfaucet. this happens annually. i have been saying for so long that i would be a total showstopper to someone with a snot fetish, so if that is you now is your chance.
march 19.2025
left my bestie and my crush alone and my bestie asked "are you [pupdog01]'s girlfriend now?" which was equal parts wholesome and mortifying hehe. me and crush discussed it today and i was really proud of myself to be like "i hope so eventually, but im not ready for that yet, because i want to be patient and respectful" (amongst other things i just dont wanna litigate the convo on my flounder). the convo went really well and she seemed to be sooo receptive and love my advocacy which felt great! big moment for me: Mr. Jump In When I Know Better. i said a couple months ago that i feel like i gained temperance overnight and i stand by it ! feeling gratitude and joy. i love you all a lot !!!!!!!!
march 18.2025
i have nothing in particular to post today, but life has been behaving monumentally, so i felt inclined to post. i met a flounder friend irl recently! it was epic. sending all my love to the readers and posters and bots of flounder <3 xoxo
march 17.2025
lately, i feel i have been experiencing all of the human emotions daily. like, currently there is extremely awful shit occurring and also extremely incredible shit occurring so side by side that i can't even tell you about it articulately. it is totally bizarre. i am excited about it, though. this is what my mid-twenties is all about i think! i sure am doing it! gonna play some fucking bonkers shit at the experimental open mic this week, yay! also my special weekly club i host is this tomorrow!!!! fuck yes! i love joy!!!!!!
march 16.2025
holy cow long time no post flounder heads! im finally for on special medication for my special chronic illness yippee! medication stuff is weird and so it also is used as an antidepressant for some patients, so maybe i will become super human. life is so insane and chaotic rn. looking like i may lose my housing in april, which is making me go crazy bc if i have to be homeless again im gonna go ballistic. at least it is a beautiful day to be sober and away from my abuser. though, i am having to face the music every day that i did not escape that unscathed and am having to unpack all sorts of new trauma that jumbled in with all my old trauma. my new therapist is saving my life actually and if it were not for her i would be stuck in the same place i was for all of 2024. my friends are loving me soooo fucking good lately i can't believe it. i gave a stranger that i met on the sidewalk my car and car keys overnight bc it broke down outside of her house. she fixed it while my friends fed me and took me home. i have another crush. i have been loving having crushes lately. this one is cool and my besties keep calling her my girlfriend to tease me. there is a lot of joy hiding inside of the fear and misery lately. and outside of it. and not hiding at all. a really magnificent artist i saw featured at zuka arts guild (who i did not catch the name of). said "joy is not something you develop, joy is life" and she is right.
feb 26.2025
last night, i slept exceptionally well and had vivid, complex, and comforting dreams. i believe i developed temperance overnight. sending my love.
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