things weren't simpler even though you didnt care

the faint orange glow

as i inhale then choke

suppressing my coughs wondering

how things'll work out

sitting back behind the building

away from people i know

and put through the back door

comes a boy I turned away

turning to the side

maybe he doesn't remember

it was a really strange few weeks

the faint orange glow

hold it in then let go

i lean back and laugh

pass the bowl to my left

the rock behind the dorm

surrounded by bushes

just me and the guys

up late getting high

its only been a year

hows it only been a year

since i sat here and cried

the faint orange glow

menthol cigarette smoke

talking about life with my roommate

lying through my teeth

how does he have it all figured out

no way he has it all figured out

jumpcut now were 30

turns out he does

he married his sweetheart

she really was lovely

cute cats and house

another high paying job

wondering how he did it

how to put in the effort

to get what he wants

the faint orange glow

an excuse to ignore things

like how I have no idea what i want

hell that wasn't even me

sure i am still that kid

scared and directionless

but thats the depression

it has to be right

im who i want to be

at least on the outside

achieved the one big goal

at the cost of so much of me

things finally feel right

yet i still can't do anything

i never learned how to live

i spent so many years

staring at the faint orange glow

of no responsibilities

spending minimum wage earnings

on cigarettes and weed

i spent so many years

staring at the faint orange glow

scared and confused

buying new clothes

just to throw them away

i spent so many years

after the orange glow burnt out

anxious, so anxious

latching onto anything good

but i was barely even there

assumed she was the one

she was such a sweet girl

i wish her the best

cause that's certainly not me

when i finally tried

put myself out there

gave all i could

and landed flat on my face

staying up late

sketching out lyrics

missing the faint orange glow

think things used to be easier

girl things weren't easier

maybe when we were 13

kissing girls by the pool

and playing timesplitters 2

but even back then

it was all easy

we just didn't know

what that feeling was inside

we still put on faces

just like in college

surrounded by friends

who'll be gone in 4 years

i burnt out like the cigarette

ran out fast like the free bic

clutching the carton

when did this become me

i broke during highschool

hanging out with the rejects

acting like an asshole

letting them pull the strings

of a cold and empty me

introduced to a sweet girl

things started to turn around

i wasnt my school friends

but three years too late

the faint orange glow

laying in bed

hazed in vape smoke

depressed and lonely

thinking back on the times

realizing besides being 8

right nows the easiest

directionless but free

i didnt care then

let my trauma define me

hid behind masks

took it out in the worst ways

i didn't care then

let life move around me

girl thats not easy

cant lose if you don't play

the faint orange glow

pass the bowl to old me

tell her things are alright

she doesn't need to be scared

to not run from those feelings

the solution is talking

no babe that's called depression

yes its really that easy

i know it cant change things

but i think it would be nice

just let her know she's okay

the faint orange glow

sunlight through my pill bottles

medicine to help me

be who i want to be

my brains finally shut up

but with silence comes thinking

every time I think i get scared

and im still fucking lonely

slowly but surely

finally putting in the effort

im really trying my best

it's all i can do

i can always do better

i at least have to try

it takes time to heal

thirty years of trauma

bad habits and self harm

silence the call to the void

i feel sad and let down

because i finally care